


how could you be so heartless?

by amongclouds



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, College AU, F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Past Character Death, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-01
Updated: 2015-06-25
Packaged: 2018-03-20 13:01:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 38,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3651288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amongclouds/pseuds/amongclouds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>College AU</p><p>It was going to be a new beginning, a tabula rasa. She wanted to get through first year at Penn State with minimal distractions so she could focus on what was most important to her, art. </p><p>Everything seemed to be going just as planned, that is, until pale-green eyes met hers and started to show up at every corner. Clarke thought she had heard of every tragic past there is before now, but she had no idea.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. how life can turn

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first major fic i've written, I apologize in advance for mistakes and such. No particular writing style used, it's whatever my head came up with!
> 
> Also at alyciadebs.tumblr.com

_September 2015, present day_

Her stomach was turning and Clarke couldn’t distinguish whether it was fear or excitement she was feeling. Move in day was already a disaster, Abby seemed to be having an internal meltdown and that was definitely not making Clarke feel any better.

“Clarke I know you’re capable of lifting things on your own, but please, don’t argue with me, just let me do this,” she said defensively.

Clarke doesn’t fight her and decides to stay silent as she pressed the button to the thirteenth floor. They were in the elevator with a horde of messily taped boxes piled around their feet. How they managed to take all of Clarke’s things in one trip up to her dorm, she had no idea.

“I just realized how screwed I’d be if the elevator stopped working, being on such a high floor doesn’t exactly have its perks.” Clarke muttered.

“Hopefully the view is worth it. And Clarke, you haven’t met your roommate, right?” Abby asked.

“Uh no, I haven’t. But I’m assuming they’re already here considering how late we are.” Clarke was actually really looking forward to sharing her room with somebody for a change, being the only child of a single mother got pretty lonely.

The doors opened and Clarke used her feet to push some of the boxes out of the elevator doors while holding another large box. Abby followed behind as she tried to maneuver her daughter’s belongings around people walking by.

“Okay so the room is 1303 so it should be just down this hall.” Clarke said under her breath, but mostly to herself.

“Hey! Sorry I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but 1303 is actually down the hall to your left.” Abby and Clarke both turned around to see that the voice had come from a head peering out the door behind them.

“I couldn’t make it more obvious that it’s my first time being here,” Clarke spoke. “Thanks for steering us in the right direction.”

The figure had left the doorway and made his way towards Clarke, “It’s no problem, I figured you’d have wanted to know before dragging all your stuff the opposite way.” The boy smiled genuinely and stuck his hand out. “Name’s Jasper, welcome to the floor.”

“Clarke,” She reached out and shook his hand firmly. “I’m sure I’ll be seeing you around.” She turned on her heel and sighed when she noticed her mom had already left.

"It was nice to meet you, but if you'll excuse me I have to go find my mother before she makes friends for me."

“Cool! Well you know where to find me, good luck with your mom and settling in I guess.” Jasper smiled a toothy grin and walked back towards his room.

Clarke started to head towards her dorm and saw the door open when she came into view of 1303. She didn’t see Abby outside so it was safe to assume she was already inside. Making her way through the wooden doorframe, she saw three figures in the room with her. One being her mother and two other girls she didn’t recognize.

“I didn’t even need to be here you know, the least you could do is thank me for helping.” A girl with dark hair and a tanned complexion was lying on a bed with her hands behind her head.

“You literally picked up two boxes and have been lying on my bed for the past hour, but thank you so much for your presence.” The other girl replied sarcastically, she had intricate braids on either side of her head.

“Girls, if it helps, my daughter is going to be here any minute so you guys can all help each other out.” Abby walked over to them, back facing the door.

No one had realized Clarke was still standing by the entrance until she cleared her throat awkwardly. The three women looked towards her with different expressions.

“Oh good you’re here. I’ll let you do your introductions, just pretend I'm not here.” Abby gave the girls a smile and resumed her place by the emptier side of the room, starting to unpack the boxes.

The girl who was lying on the bed opposite to hers got up and made her way to Clarke, “Hey, I’m Raven. Sorry about her,” she pointed her thumb behind her, “she’s on her period.”

“Raven, I swear to god.”

“I’m Clarke, nice to meet you. Sorry but I have to ask, which one of you is actually my roommate here?”

“That would be me,” The other girl had appeared beside Raven and stepped forward to politely offer her hand to Clarke. “I’m Octavia, I promise I’m less of a pain in the ass than this one here.”

She grabbed her hand and noticed the firm shake she was given in return. Clarke gave her a small smile; her demeanour was genuine.

“Looks like you’re more or less unpacked.” Clarke said walking towards her side of the room, joining Abby with a small smile. She began to rifle through her stuff and started to empty the box which read “ART” in sharpie.

“Yeah, I figured I would get here early before it got too crowded. Raven already moved in last week because God knows she’s such a keener.”

“A keener with 6.0 GPA who can’t afford to fuck anything up, mechanical engineering isn’t exactly easy, Octavia,” Raven replied annoyed, walking back to the disheveled bed. Abby turned around and gave a look to the relaxed girl when she heard the profanity leave her mouth.

“My bad Ms. Griffin, I’m not exactly ladylike when it comes to speaking.” She replied with a smirk.

“Mechanical engineering? That sounds intense.” Clarke was putting away her brushes, when Octavia piped in, “what about you?”

Clarke hid her growing smile, “Visual arts, it’s my passion, really.”

“What kind of art?” Raven turned on the bed and leaned up on her elbow to face the blonde.

“The visual kind, what do you think Raven?” Octavia rolled her eyes.

Clarke was actually enjoying the banter between the two girls she just met, it was pretty amusing, and it made her feel less out of place.

“O, do us all a favour, take a Midol and stop being hormonal.” The tan girl had reached over into a bag and grabbed a pillbox then threw it towards Octavia. She caught it in a swift motion and swore under her breath.

“Sorry, you were saying?”

A chuckle escaped Clarke’s lips before she could stop it and internally scolded herself. “Well, I mostly draw but I paint as well. It’s the only thing that keeps me sane to be honest.”

Raven just nodded, “Boxing is that for me. It’s been keeping me stable. When I’m pissed off I just go to the gym and punch stuff, it’s pretty ideal.”

Clarke had finished arranging her art supplies on her desk, and took a seat on the chair in front of her. Abby was putting sheets on the bed, and for a minute she had forgotten about her being there.

“Octavia, I’m sorry I didn’t ask, but what are you studying?”

She mirrored Clarke’s seating at her desk, looking up from her phone with an unreadable expression, “Psychology. The mind fascinates me, I want to learn the reasoning behind everything we do, and why.”

“I have a psych lecture every Tuesday and Thursday actually,” Clarke said with a hint of a smile.

“1010 with Kane?!” The girl shifted her focus from her phone to Clarke.

“Yeah! Tell me you’re in that class.” She pleaded.

“Oh hell yes! That’s a relief, now you can take notes for me whenever I want to sleep in,” Octavia paused, “Why are 8am classes even a thing?”

Abby broke her silence after making Clarke’s bed and took a seat on the single bed with a tired sigh, “That’s college for you, have fun ladies.”

The three girls groaned in unison at the realization of early wake ups, and then fell into a relaxed laughter at how ridiculous they sounded. Clarke wore a genuine smile, she already felt like things were going the way they were supposed to.

 

\----

 

It was Thursday already, and Clarke thought the first week was going pretty well. She was walking out of class with Octavia trailing behind her. Clarke was taking tentative steps as she typed on her phone.

 

 **Mom** : i hope ur going to class and remember to call me at least once a week! Love u

 **Me** : I’m going to all my classes don’t worry and i’ve been calling every day

 **Mom** : i just miss hearing ur voice clarke, can u blame me?

 **Mom** : love u :)

 **Me** : love you too

 

She smiled to herself before putting her phone in her back pocket. “Your mom again?” Octavia asked catching up to her.

“Yeah, it’s only been 4 days and she’s already getting anxious.”

“Hey, at least she still cares about your existence. Mine, not so much.” Clarke looked to her and saw anger flash through Octavia’s eyes but it was gone as fast as it appeared.

“But at least she did me and Bell a favor, she was a shitty excuse for a mother to begin with…” Clarke noticed her hands balling into fists, knuckles white.

“I-I’m sorry-“ Clarke was about to finish but Octavia interrupted, “Don’t apologize for something you have no control over, I’m over it.”

Clarke could see in her expression that it was a sensitive topic, so she just nodded. The two of them were about to round the corner of a busy walkway when she felt a vibration in her pocket.

 

 **Mom** : when did u want me to visit next?

 

Clarke continued her pace beside Octavia, eyes downcast towards her phone about to type out her reply when she felt herself run into somebody’s shoulder. She instantly felt an ache on her chest when she realized she walked right into someone. Clarke thought she dropped her phone but was thankful when she felt it clutched in her hand. She finally composed herself enough to squat down and reach for the fallen water bottle and textbook, “Sorry, I wasn’t watching where I was going.”

The person she bumped into was wearing a black baseball cap covering her eyes, hair tied into a loose bun, wearing a knit top with jeans. What caught her attention the most though, was the small but visible tattoo of a black and white rose between her index finger and thumb. It took Clarke a second to realize it was a girl, because, duh. As she went to grab the plastic bottle she saw it being snatched so quickly she forgot it fell in the first place.

“It’s fine.” The voice slurred a bit, but Clarke didn’t notice.

Clarke managed to hand over the textbook which read “Guitar Tabs for Advanced Players”, and both of them got back on their feet at the same time. She was about to say something else in apology but before she knew it green eyes blinked to her blue ones and then she was gone.

 

_What the hell was that?_

 

Clarke forgot that she was in the middle of a crowded hallway and was pulled from her thoughts when she heard, “Dude, don’t text and walk. Let’s go?” Her response was a wordless nod and she followed.

She started walking but couldn’t stop herself from thinking about the weird encounter she just had. The girl was pretty from what she briefly saw, like really pretty. Clarke didn't know if she was jealous or just thought she was attractive. She could barely make out her features because her hat was obscuring her face, but she distinctively remembers those green eyes.

Clarke was so distracted that she didn’t even remember to respond to her text.

 

\---- 

 

“So there’s this really cute guy in my stats class...” Octavia was lying on her bed looking up at the ceiling waiting for a response.

“Oh yeah? Have you guys talked?”

Octavia scoffed, “He’s literally the most attractive guy in the entire class. I’d be lucky if I he looked my way.”

“Like my favourite band Coldplay once said, “if you never try, you’ll never know.”

“Seriously? Coldplay’s lame as fuck.”

“You’re lame as fuck,” Clarke retorted mockingly, “I wouldn’t even talk O, you’re literally staring at a poster of One Direction above your bed. Speaking of which, what made you think it would be a good idea to position it so that you’re staring at their faces before you go to sleep?”

Clarke was sitting cross-legged on her bed leaning against the wall with her laptop, when she looked back to her quiet roommate. “That was a rhetorical question. Tell me more about this attractive guy.”

The girl got up from her place and mimicked Clarke’s position so that they were facing each other on opposite sides of the room.

“His name’s Lincoln. He always raises his hand and asks questions which makes sense because stats is insufferable,” Clarke notices the way she plays with her hands and fidgets nervously under her gaze. “But he knows what he’s talking about and he just sounds so smart, and did I mention that he works out? Like a lot, his arms are ridiculous.”

“You’re practically swooning, you need to talk to him.”

“What if he’s already got a girlfriend? I’ll feel so stupid to have even bothered, like he’s too good looking to not have someone.” She sounded annoyed but mostly at the situation.

“Look Octavia, you’re hot. Anyone with eyes can see that, all I can tell you is that you should give it a shot. If it doesn’t work out, whatever, you tried.” Clarke looked away from her laptop and gave a reassuring smile.

“So you’re into chicks, huh blondie?” Octavia smirked.

Clarke felt heat crawl up her neck and onto her cheeks, “I’m more of a best of both worlds kinda gal.” She replied suggestively.

“Ugh gross, you didn’t need to throw a Hannah Montana reference in there. Totally unnecessary.”

Clarke went back on her laptop to play the song to make Octavia even more uncomfortable when they heard a knock on the door. Clarke didn’t make any attempt to move, and with an eye roll Octavia got up and answered the door.

“Bell!” Clarke shifted her gaze from the screen in front of her to the door to see Octavia hugging a guy with unkempt hair. “I missed you, jerk.” He released her from his grip and smiled apologetically.

“I’m sorry, I moved in the same time as Raven and I had to work double shifts at the shop, couldn’t get out of it.”

Octavia looked in Clarke’s direction, and she awkwardly got the memo and walked towards the two.

“Bellamy, this is my roommate Clarke, and this goof right here is my brother.” Octavia smiled at him.

“Hey, it’s nice to meet you. She hasn’t gotten on your nerves yet I hope?” He joked.

Clarke wasn’t sure if she should shake his hand, but that’s what she’s been doing so far, so she extends her hand to him, “Likewise. And no, she’s great. For the most part.”

They were about to close the door after them when Raven called out, “Are you forgetting someone? I’m pretty insulted.”

“Oh shit right, sorry!” Bellamy held the door open and let the shorter girl inside.

“And this was my idea too, not cool bro.” Raven shot a disappointed look towards the older brother.

“Wait, what idea?” Octavia asked confused. They all found places to sit in the double room, with Clarke and Raven on one side, and Octavia and Bellamy on the other.

“It’s Thursday, you know what that means!” Bellamy said enthusiastically.

“We aren’t all third years here Bell, we’re freshmen all over again. Now elaborate, what exactly goes down on a Thursday?” The younger of the two repeated.

“Pub night, nowhere specific because all the bars on campus do it, but I always hit up The Ab.” He replied. He went to lie on the bed and draped his legs over Octavia’s lap.

“The Ab? Is that code for something?” Raven laughed beside Clarke.

“The Absinthe, that’s the bar I’m talking about. It’s got a rustic grungy feel to it, you guys would like it.”

“Oh yeah, you know how I like it all rustic and grungy.” Raven was laughing even harder now.

Clarke noted the way Raven subtly lit up at Bellamy making conversation. She smiled, “I’m in.”

Raven chimed in, “Same here, I’m always up for drinks.”

Octavia looked at her brother with her hands up, “If I end up throwing up on you, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“So basically the stage of being white-girl wasted.” Clarke grinned, and Raven failed at holding in her laugh.

“Shut up, let’s see how you two look by the end of the night.” She sneered.

“Alright, it’s settled,” Bellamy clapped his hands together, “I just realized how weird it’s going to look bringing in three chicks.”

“Hey maybe you’ll get a reputation for being a ladies man, you’d like that.” Raven gave him a knowing look.

“Are you kidding? I’ve had that rep since high school and it’s been working out pretty well.”

Octavia pinched the bridge of her nose and gave Raven an exasperated look, “Don’t make me regret coming.”

The fact that Clarke didn’t know what to expect tonight made it all the more enticing.

 

\---- 

 

So it didn’t end up being only the four of them going, Clarke remembered the lanky guy she met on move in day and decided to invite Jasper too.

“Thanks a lot for inviting me Clarke. I haven’t really had the time to do anything since classes started, bio is seriously killing my social status.” Jasper was closing his dorm room door behind him and gestured his arms outward to Clarke, “After you m’lady.”

“I barely know you but I can already tell you’re a huge dork.” She laughed lightly moving towards the elevator.

“If you think I’m a dork, wait till you meet my roommate Monty, he’s a lot worse. He didn’t even know I left just now, once he starts a match in League of Legends, he’s a goner.”

“I don’t even know what that is, but sounds cool? I guess,” Clarke wasn’t exactly up-to-date on the latest video games, “I don’t really play, I’m an artist so I usually spend my time sketching or something.”

They wait for the elevator in a comfortable silence and walk in once it reached their floor. It reaches the lobby fairly quickly and Clarke saw her group of friends waiting by some couches. She felt like everything was falling into place and couldn’t help but grin when she approached the familiar faces.

“Oh yeah, this is Jasper, he’s on our floor.” Everyone introduced themselves one by one.

“Hey Jasper, good to see you again.” Octavia gave the boy a small smile, and Clarke could already tell he was drooling.

“You look good Octavia, I mean you always look good, but more so today. That sounded weird didn’t it, sorry I think my hermit lifestyle made me suck at socializing,” he nervously rubbed the back of his neck looking away from Octavia. Clarke inwardly cringed at his awkward small talk.

Bellamy and Raven pretended not to notice Jasper’s feeble attempt at flirting. Octavia just shot him a small smile, which was apparently good enough for him. He was back to his giddy self and spoke, “So are we going to go drink or what?”

“This is going to sound really stupid because I only thought about this now, but… we don’t have any fakes on us. They won’t even serve us.” Octavia said with a blank face.

The realization hit both Clarke and Jasper and their faces fell, Raven brought her hand to her face and groaned loudly, “Bellamy this was your plan, any ideas?”

“Guys ease up, it’s totally fine. My friend works there, he won’t give us any trouble, I promise.” Bellamy’s reassurance brought on hesitation from the group but they went for it.

“Okay, I’m tired of wasting time, I need a drink, or like ten.” Raven pushed through the exit grumbling.

The five of them finally made it to the building where the bar was; it was in the basement of the arts building, somewhere Clarke would be frequenting. She finally understood what Bellamy meant by “rustic grunge”. The doors leading in were lined with vintage concert posters from the 70’s, and a hand painted sign that read ‘The Absinthe Pub & Café’ at the top. Clarke liked it already, except for the musty smell of stale beer and rotting wood that filled her senses as soon as she walked in.

“This isn’t my usual type of place to get drunk at, but I like it. Nice one Bell.” Raven gave Bellamy a pat on the shoulder and walked with the rest towards a booth near the front.

Octavia stiffened as she sat down and spared obvious glances toward the bar where a tall, broad man, with a shaved head stood pouring drinks.

“Uh, Octavia? You alright there?” Jasper noticed the change in the girl and tried to see what was wrong.

“Clarke, that’s the guy. It’s Lincoln behind the bar.” Octavia looked so flustered and her sudden onset of awkwardness was becoming kind of funny to watch.

Raven followed her line of sight and finally put two and two together, “Damn.” she turned around again for another glance to get a proper look. Jasper looked towards the bar and saw the burly man Octavia was staring at and his disappointment was evident, to Clarke at least. She didn’t say anything, but smiled at Jasper in a poor attempt to comfort him.

Clarke who was seated to Octavia’s right moved her eyes toward the bar and saw the source of her roommate’s affection. He was nice to look at, that’s for sure, no wonder Octavia’s so freaked out to make a move, she thought.

“Well shit O. He’s pretty cute, I’ll give you that.” She gave a nervous Octavia a coy smile.

They both turned to face Lincoln who stood behind the bar leaning towards Bellamy, both of them erupting into sincere laughter. Octavia put her face in her hand and leaned onto her elbow, Clarke tried to hide a smile when she turned to see how absolutely infatuated she looked. She let herself hold a genuine smile, more to herself than anything.

“Hey you guys, I’m going to get us a pitcher. I’ll get some vodka and limes just in case too.” Bellamy had come over and let everyone know before moving back towards Lincoln.

“I’m good with any alcoholic drink, no issues here.” Raven said out loud then high-fived Jasper when she saw him offer his palm to her in agreement.

She felt Octavia slide over and out of the booth watching as she sauntered over beside Bellamy and leaning on the bar with her forearms.

 

_Took her long enough._

 

Clarke took a proper look at her surroundings; the entire interior of the bar was made out of distressed wood giving it that rustic look, with a heavily stained carpet covering the floor adding to the obvious grunge vibe. She noticed a hook just above the bar with different coloured bras on display and she chuckled, but that wasn’t the only thing that caught her attention.

She tried to block out the loud voices coming from all around the room, it was getting pretty distracting, and most of them already sounded wasted. Clarke was scanning the place when she took notice of a figure slouching on a table for two towards the back of the bar in dark clothing and a beanie. The girl looked to be pretty absorbed in the book in front of her face, loose brown curls framing the sides of her head.

That was when she saw it, a black and white rose on the back of her hand.

 

 _Shit_.

 

Bellamy couldn’t have chosen a better time to bring the drinks over to the table, Octavia sidled back over with an obvious grin on her face. Clarke was snapped back to reality when a pint glass was put in front of her, blocking her view from the girl she was staring at.

“Cheers guys. I told you everything was handled, you gotta trust brother Bell.” He lifted his glass towards the middle of the table and waited to toast his glass with everyone.

“Clarke? Are you okay? You seem kind of distracted.” Raven looked concerned when you didn’t lift your glass.

“Oh, yeah! I’m fine, it’s just super loud and I can’t even hear myself think,” She lied, and brought up her glass, “Cheers.”

Clarke was taking a sip and her gaze drifted back to the hidden figure in the back corner of the room. She set her glass down and made sure no one was trying to strike up a conversation before she returned to looking at the girl. There was a pack of cigarettes lying on the surface of the table, along with 3 empty pints.

 

 _Girl can drink, impressive_.

 

She glanced back at the group around her and watched as Raven animatedly told a story about how she basically built a 5 foot model rocket ship by herself. Clarke noticed Octavia leave when the comfortable warmth pressed to her side disappeared. Lincoln was wiping down the bar counter and had a grin on his face when he saw her approach him.

Clarke averted her gaze to the girl and expected to see the back of the book, but instead she saw the book being set down on the table, and the pack of cigarettes being stuffed into her jacket pocket. Clarke didn’t realize she was staring until those familiar pale-green eyes met hers from across the room. She thought she was having something similar to a stroke because everything just kind of _stopped_. Clarke couldn’t explain what she was feeling in that moment, she stopped breathing somewhere along the way too but she couldn't move her eyes away.

She was ripped from her thoughts when she heard loud chanting coming from the frat guys’ table beside theirs. Clarke thought she was still staring but realized there was no one in her view anymore.

 

_Pull it together and chill the fuck out._

 

“Hey Bellamy, do you have any cigarettes?” She didn’t know what she said until she heard it come out of her mouth.

“Since when do you smoke Griffin?” Raven gave her an incredulous look while Bellamy wore a similar expression.

“Yeah I do, here just take it. Don’t tell Octavia, she hates it.” Clarke didn’t think he would give in so easily but she grabbed the pack and put it in her coat pocket.

Octavia was deep in conversation with Lincoln, and didn’t notice Clarke slip past the entrance and into the hallway. She walked the opposite way they came in and pushed through a set of doors that lead outside. Clarke didn’t see anyone and something inside of her ached, until she rounded the corner and saw someone’s back facing her.

The sound of the door closing shut startled the girl and she turned around a little too quickly. Clarke kept her eyes down and pulled out the pack from her pocket.

“Shit.” She muttered. Of course she forgot to ask Bellamy for a lighter.

In the corner of her eye, she saw the girl take careful steps toward her and Clarke lifted her gaze to see a hand outstretched offering a white lighter.

“Thanks.” Clarke placed one between her lips, the act not feeling completely alien to her, and brought the flame to the end. She inhaled, and oh boy she forgot how to do this. She didn’t exhale her first puff before she choked and coughed out the smoke.

She heard a muffled laugh from the other side of her but it was gone as soon as Clarke stopped struggling for breath.

“I take it you don’t smoke.” Was all the girl said.

Clarke looked up into her eyes and finally got a good look at the mystery girl’s face.

 

 _Holy fuck_.

 

To say Clarke was enamoured would be a huge understatement. The girl had green eyes with some grey infused in there, they were mesmerizing to look at. What Clarke noticed most was the change in the girl’s expression, she only remembered the hardened stare and expressionless eyes. But this time her eyes were gentler, but her face remained stoic and guarded.

“Not really, it’s been a while if that’s what you meant.”

“I meant what I said, you don’t smoke. So why are you?” This time her voice had a bit of an edge to it, she took a long drag and blew the smoke out in a cloud. Clarke noticed the change and levelled with her.

“Why are you?” She challenged. Clarke brought the cigarette to her lips and slowly inhaled watching the girl with an open stare, careful not to repeat her first puff. This time she didn’t cough out a lung, but it was apparent she didn't do this often with her self-conscious hand movements.

“That’s not the point.” She said flatly.

Clarke moved her eyes so that she was looking at the concrete below and glanced at the girl who had now walked a few steps further away. There was something about her voice that had changed when she spoke, it wasn’t angry, it sounded defeated more than anything.

“Then it shouldn’t matter, don’t you think?” Clarke didn’t really know where this conversation was going, but something inside her fuelled her responses. She brought her head up to look at the girl again; she was tall, taller than Clarke even. Her posture was a lot better than when she saw her inside the bar, her shoulders were set straight while she kept her other hand in her pocket. The girl was blowing out a breath of smoke and looked back at Clarke.

“It doesn’t matter what I think.” She turned so that her back was facing Clarke and took another drag.

“Why are you being like that?” Clarke spoke a little louder, annoyed at how the girl turned a light conversation into a tension filled silence.

The girl turned around, and Clarke felt herself shrink under her gaze when she was met with a familiar scornful expression, her eyes darker than they were a minute ago.

“Like what? You don’t know anything about me.” She scoffed and lifted her arm to throw the filter a couple feet away with a flick of her finger. That was the last thing she said before she walked away, and like that she was gone, again.

Clarke was stunned at the sudden outburst and tried to understand what just happened, she doesn’t remember saying anything insulting. She hadn’t expected the girl she saw five minutes ago to turn around and become another person entirely.

Something stuck in Clarke’s mind though, as the girl went to throw away her cigarette butt, her sweater sleeve slid down and she could see a blend of pink and dark red lines up and down her forearm.

She clenched her jaw and closed her eyes, “God I’m such an idiot.”


	2. say (all i need)

One thing Clarke found out about Octavia after living with her for a week was that she could be _extremely_ convincing. She didn’t even realize she agreed to go to the gym with her until she felt herself being dragged out of their building. 

“Why can’t you just go by yourself? I was planning on finishing my sketch tonight for class.” Clarke had a gym bag slung across her shoulders, bumping into her hip with each step. She decided to change when she got there and opted for leaving in a jean jacket and sweatpants.

“I need you to make me look good in front of Lincoln. Just check out these leggings, they make my ass look incredible.” Octavia walked ahead and swayed her hips with a smirk on her face.

As much as Clarke regretted neglecting her schoolwork, Octavia had a point; her ass _did_ look fantastic in those. She didn’t know for sure, but Clarke didn’t think her roommate owned any gym attire before the semester begun.

“And how exactly am I supposed to make you look good? He already seems interested so you need to relax.” Clarke was starting to regret letting herself be persuaded by the girl. The two of them were walking beside each other making their way through campus walk toward the fitness center. 

“Just pretend you don’t know how to use the machines, and I’ll teach you. I can be like a personal instructor or something, just go with it.” Octavia was talking really fast and made it obvious that she had no idea what she was doing. 

To be honest Clarke hadn’t worked out in almost a year. She had been focusing on her grades leaving high school, and helping Abby with their move from Arizona to Pennsylvania. Running was something Clarke did pretty often, she had taken up cross-country early on in her life and it soon became her favourite form of cardio. 

“You’re honestly trying way too hard Octavia. I saw the way he was looking at you in The Ab, just be yourself.” The sinking feeling in her gut became increasingly more noticeable each time she talked about her roommate’s love life. As happy as she is for Octavia, she can’t bring herself to push away the lingering loneliness she felt herself. 

“I just…I don’t want to mess this up you know? I really like him.” 

Clarke thought she was finished with what she was saying when she spoke again, “Have you ever just looked at someone, and just knew. Like you know they’re going to either ruin your life or be the best thing to have ever happened to you?” 

That struck something inside Clarke’s mind and then she saw an image of Finn creep into her thoughts. They were in love, or at least Clarke was. She couldn’t remember the last time she was as happy as she was when they were together. Then he ruined everything, a seemingly innocent crush turned into a year and a half worth of lies. Clarke knew high school relationships weren’t destined to last but at the time it felt real, and it was a slap to the face to find out he had been cheating on her the whole time. 

The thought of him made her realize he was neither the best nor worst thing to have happened to her, he was just there. It was easy and made her feel something, but Clarke would never give him that importance in her life. 

Clarke didn’t know if Octavia was expecting a response but the blonde kept on walking with her gaze fixed ahead and quietly spoke, “Sometimes the people who ruin you turn out being the best thing that’s ever happened to you.” 

Octavia pursed her lips and hummed in understanding. They continued to walk down the path in a comfortable silence, Clarke was unaware her hands were brushing against Octavia’s. The dark haired girl noticed that the blonde appeared to be mulling over something, and moved her hand to her bag strap. 

“You okay? You look a little stuck in your head.” Octavia started to feel a little awkward after a couple minutes.

Clarke stiffened slightly at the question, “Yeah, I’m fine O. It’s just that I’m already stressed with classes.” Clarke wasn’t in the habit of lying, but that was probably the easier option for her, rather than explaining what she was actually thinking about.

That seemed to be good enough for Octavia because she just nodded and Clarke was thankful. She admired her roommate’s directness, they’ve barely known each other for two weeks and Clarke already knows her better than Octavia knows her.

If she was being honest with herself, Clarke couldn’t stop replaying the scene that played out between her and the girl with green eyes at the bar. She finds it pretty pathetic that she doesn’t even know her name and yet her mind always seems to drift back to high cheekbones and pink lips. 

_“You don’t know anything about me.”_

The more Clarke thinks about what the girl said, the more she feels like it sounded something similar to a threat. It wasn’t obvious but Clarke could sense that it was a warning with her cold stare, the bite in her voice made Clarke wince at the harshness. 

She felt rather stupid about the whole thing, really. Usually being talked to so harshly and out of nowhere would’ve pissed her off in any other circumstance, so what made this any different? 

The anger she felt in that moment subsided when their argument ended, leaving the blonde feeling drained from the guilt that started to grow. Clarke has never caused self-inflicted harm to herself because she’s never truly been able to understand how much pain it takes to go that far.

Clarke had always appreciated the beauty of the human body with all it’s imperfections, and art made her grow to love the things she had learned to hate.

But the thought of finding emotional release through scarring yourself, Clarke couldn’t fathom. It made her palms sweat to think about, her throat starting to close whenever she imagined silvery marks running on delicate skin below. 

She had to internally cringe at how genuinely confused she was at everything at this point. The feeling of being so enraptured by a complete stranger was beginning to make her lose control of her thoughts.

Whenever Clarke probed her mind absentmindedly, the green eyes she saw behind her eyelids made her stomach drop, it almost felt like falling. 

This was the first time in Clarke’s life that she felt herself being pushed away and pulled in at the same time, she didn’t understand it but it only intrigued her more.

She felt an uncomfortable heaviness in her chest but Clarke was honestly getting tired of thinking about a person who couldn’t care less about her existence. All she knew was that she needed to clear her head. The gym didn’t sound like the worst idea anymore. 

 

\----

 

Octavia pretty much ditched Clarke when she came into view of Lincoln by the weights. The whole personal trainer idea seemed to be off the table, and Clarke was slightly relieved she could save some of her dignity. 

She figured she was emotional support for her friend but also watching Octavia’s face flush after ten minutes on the elliptical was already worth it. The sound of weights being dropped on the floor and animalistic grunting echoed throughout the room, while the top 40 blared from the speakers.

Clarke had just walked into the gym and she immediately caught sight of Octavia who was struggling to catch her breath. She made eye contact with Clarke and regained some of her composure, suddenly a lot more energetic in her strides. The blonde tried to keep herself from laughing but it was futile when she saw Octavia trying to control her breathing, which looked more like wheezing than anything else.

It was a huge room, the walls lined with mirrors, the treadmills were at the very back, and all the cardio machines on the right side, and the left side had the weights. Clarke had her phone in one and held a water bottle in the other as she walked towards the back of the room, and couldn’t help feeling a bit self-conscious.

Clarke picked a treadmill in the middle and set down her bottle of water in the cup holder, getting in some stretches before she started. She put in her earphones and stood on the track of the machine, adjusting her settings for a 35-minute jog. She wanted to take it easy considering how long it’s been since she last run. The only thing she didn’t like was the placement of the treadmill because it faced the rest of the gym, instead of the window behind. 

The track’s speed began to increase and Clarke soon found her pace at a light jog. She tried to ignore her early shortness of breath and distracted herself by taking a look around the room. She looked to the left side of the room where she saw Octavia on the mats with Lincoln doing push ups.

_That’s a little more impressive._

They moved to rest on their forearms in a planking position and had playful grins plastered on their faces. If Clarke had not known either of them, she would have probably thought they were together. 

Watching the concentration in people’s faces in the mirror was kind of creepy but Clarke didn’t really have much of a choice in her view. She looked to the other side, the much louder part of the gym, where people were using free weights and the benches. 

The majority of people near the weights were guys, but there were some girls scattered around. Clarke moved her head a little more to the right where the bars for deadlifts and squats were; there was a guy and a girl to the right of him. 

She wasn’t quite sure why she started observing their movement, but she didn’t need to be a pro to see how terrible the guy’s form was. His knees were bending over his feet, and his back was so curved it hurt just to look at. Clarke was not an expert at squats, but she did them a lot for her high school fitness courses, so she knew the basics.

Clarke paused her mental criticisms to slow her pace down and brought her lips to her water bottle, alleviating the discomfort of a dry mouth. Her legs were getting pretty sore around her knees but she only had 13 minutes left. She looked back to where the guy was and saw him set the bar back up. 

She turned her head to watch the female beside him, and _damn._ Her form was pretty perfect from what Clarke could see, and it was evident she knew exactly what she was doing. 

_And they say girls can’t lift._  

She wore fingerless gloves with a skintight long sleeve top and _very_ tight yoga pants, Clarke was in awe by how toned she was. There were two plates on each side of the bar, not appearing to struggle at all with each lift. She was carefully watching her posture in the mirror, keeping her head straight in line with her shoulders. 

Okay so Clarke was looking at a little more than the form, because _how do you even get an ass like that?_ She didn’t even think thighs could be that muscular, but there she was making squatting two plates look like easy. 

Clarke felt her mouth dry at the sight as she dropped her gaze from the woman’s perfectly sculpted legs, and brought her bottle to her lips. She was so distracted by the woman’s “form” that the background slowly turned into static noise.

The girl had straight hair that was pulled back in a tight ponytail with a black baseball cap covering her eyes. 

_Wait_. She’s seen that hat before, that or either Clarke thinks she has officially lost it. 

She was about to swallow a mouthful of water when she looked at the reflection of the woman and saw a pair of eyes glaring back. Clarke started choking on the water she was struggling to get down her throat and had to get on the side rails of the treadmill before she fell. 

_Oh god of course it’s her._

She felt eyes burning a hole in the side of her head, but Clarke was still trying to catch her breath and lowered her gaze. That seemed to be a good enough run for Clarke, stopping the treadmill with a meagre 8 minutes remaining. 

Apparently Lincoln and Octavia weren’t the only ones who saw Clarke choke and almost fall off the treadmill, but they were the only ones walking towards her. She mentally scolded herself for almost falling on her face on the first day she decided to work out, definitely not being the first impression she wanted to make. 

“I felt bad for laughing, but in my defence it looked funny from where we were.” Octavia didn’t even try to hide the shit-eating grin she had on the walk over. 

“Did you miss a step or something?” She hadn’t spent much time with Lincoln but Clarke was glad to hear the concern in his voice. 

“Uh, yeah… something like that.” She cleared her voice, trying to direct the attention away from her shortness of breath. 

“I haven’t seen you this flustered before Griffin.” Octavia’s grin was replaced with a blank expression after sensing her friend’s uneasiness. 

Clarke couldn’t have picked a worse time to shift her gaze from Octavia’s, back to the source of her nerves. 

_Why am I even nervous? This is ridiculous._  

The girl had moved from the squatting bench and had moved, putting plates on to the bench-press bar. Octavia followed Clarke’s gaze and saw the girl by the weights. She looked back over to Clarke and noticed her roommate wasn’t even trying to hide her stare. 

The girl had slid under the bar and adjusted her grip on the handles before lifting it off the stand and above her chest in one swift motion. It barely grazed her torso before she lifted it back up in the air with ease. Her lips were pressed together with a furrowed brow, blowing out a breath after each lift. The movements were getting slower and Clarke was trying to focus on the bar and not the skin near her hips from her shirt riding up. 

“Earth to Clarke,” There was a hand snapping in her face and she scrunched her face at the proximity, “You’re staring at that girl.” It sounded more like a statement than a question and that’s what got Clarke’s attention. 

“No I’m not, I mean I am but only because she’s better than like half the guys here.” Clarke stumbled over her words, she wasn’t being completely dishonest.

“Why don’t you go talk to her?” Lincoln asked, it seemed like a fairly easy solution but Clarke didn’t feel like it was the right place for that conversation.

“She’s… kind of intense.” It’s true, but only Clarke knew that. 

“How do you know that if you’ve never talked to her?” Octavia looked at you with a skeptical face. 

“Remember that girl I ran into in the hallway last week after class?” Clarke saw her roommates eyebrows raise after a beat. 

“That’s her isn’t it?” Octavia had to look back at the girl they were referring to, “Okay yeah, I see what you mean.” 

Clarke just gave her a silent nod and began to worry her lips. Octavia breathed out a sigh at the look of uncertainty the blonde had, “Sometimes you need to take your own advice Griffin, I thought you were the ballsy one.” 

That seemed to have hit a nerve because Clarke began nodding to herself, silently contemplating her friend’s words. 

The three of them casually glanced over where they last saw her and all they saw was an empty bench-press station. Clarke looked back at the pair and tried to look unaffected, letting air escape past her lips, relieved at the absence of her anxiety. 

Octavia just twitched the side of her mouth to the side indifferently and offered a shrug of her shoulders, “I’ve only seen the chick in oversized clothing, but she’s actually pretty hot.” 

“She squats better than me… that’s wifey material.” Lincoln remarked. 

Octavia threw the broad shouldered man beside her an unimpressed look, but Clarke caught the way her eyes lowered and glazed over slightly. 

“I…. have to go, I’ll meet you back at the room,” she told Octavia while picking up her stuff off the treadmill, “And get her back safe.” Clarke gave Lincoln a small smile and walked away.

 

\---- 

 

She didn’t exactly know _what_ she was doing, but Clarke knew she couldn’t leave without a shower. Getting sweaty wasn’t an issue for her before but she reminds herself it’s been a while.

Something inside of her wants to talk to that girl again. Clarke reprimanded herself enough for pushing too much the last time, so the least she could do is apologize. She wasn’t sure if it was closure she wanted, or to just get the chance to hear her voice again. 

The dry-fit shirt Clarke had been wearing, stuck to her skin uncomfortably, and made her speed up her walk to the change room. She pushed through the door and was welcomed by the sounds of conversation, and locker doors being slammed shut. While making her way to where her locker was, Clarke found herself searching for familiar green eyes. 

She got to her locker and deflated, Clarke didn’t really know what she was expecting. With an underlying annoyance at herself, she grabbed a towel from inside the locker and started taking off the damp clothing. She took a quick look around and saw that no one was around before stripping off her undergarments, wrapping herself in the towel. 

Clarke hated the feeling of walking on cold and soggy tiles, careful to avoid stepping on the wet strands of hair littered on the floor. The showers weren’t that bad, at least there were curtains for each one. There were a few other people using the public facility, their feet visible from underneath the shower curtains. Clarke was really looking forward to the warm embrace of a shower, hoping it would relieve the dull ache she felt in her muscles. 

She stepped in the small space and lowered her towel looking around in confusion for somewhere she could put it. There weren’t any hooks by the front of the curtains, which Clarke thought was pretty stupid. There was a ledge on the side that separated her shower from the one beside hers, so she lightly threw it over without a second thought. 

Clarke felt a chill as soon as she took the towel off and quickly turned the knob in front of her, lining up the arrow near the red side. She welcomed the warm water that came rushing out, and stood underneath the shower head enjoying how it felt. She began to lather shampoo into her scalp, before rinsing it out and moving to use some body wash. 

She had her eyes closed under the shower head, water moving against her face and failed to notice her poorly thrown towel falling slowly over to the other side. It wasn’t until Clarke was finishing up that she saw her towel slip from the edge of the tiled walls and into the other shower stall. 

“Shit!” Of course something like that would happen to Clarke on the first day she decides to go to the gym. The towel must have gotten soaked, and she was definitely not about to walk back to her locker without anything to cover her very wet and _very_ naked body. 

“It’s alright, I will go get you another one.” A muffled voice on the other side of Clarke spoke. 

She was about to thank the polite stranger when she heard the shower in the next stall being shut off, and the sound of the curtain being shifted to the side. Clarke had turned off her shower as well, and used her arms to shield herself against the chill in the air. After a few minutes of waiting in an uncomfortable position, Clarke thought the girl wasn’t coming back and started to become unnerved. 

Clarke saw movement from above her, a folded towel being passed to her over the curtain as she breathed a sigh of relief. At least she wouldn’t have another embarrassing story to tell Octavia. 

“Thank you so much. You saved me from a lot of awkwardness.” Clarke said timidly. 

She went to grab the towel being extended to her and caught view of the hand when she pulled it out of the girls grasp. She’s only seen it twice now, but she could recognize that distinctive rose tattoo anywhere. 

“You would be surprised how often this happens, it is no trouble.” The voice was eerily familiar now that she knew who was talking to her. It almost made Clarke breathless, the realization and how soft-spoken the voice sounded tinged with amusement. 

_What are the chances?_

The blonde was having a difficult time trying to decide what to say next, but Clarke just found herself tongue-tied by the whole situation. By the time she actually formulated a sentence in her head, she was leaving the shower only to see no one was there. 

Again, Clarke didn’t know what she was expecting but she still felt a little disappointed. She had herself wrapped in the towel, her damp hair splayed on the nape of her neck.

Making her way down the rows of change room lockers, she noticed how empty it became, and was comforted with the idea of extra privacy. 

Clarke was caught off guard when she reached the row where her locker was, only to see a shirtless girl sitting on the other side of her. 

There were earphones in her ears, her head bobbing up and down; at least she couldn’t hear anything. Her attention was focused on the phone in her hands, oblivious to the movement behind her. She had a black bra on and beige jogging pants, but it didn’t stop Clarke from letting her eyes wander briefly. 

Clarke opened her locker quietly, trying not to startle the girl. She took that as an opportunity to do a double take at the girl’s torso. There was a large tattoo of a sword down the middle of her back, with angel wings on the sides of the hilt. It was beautifully done, and it only made her gaze roam further down the curve of the girls back. She tried to not think about how smooth the skin looked under the light. 

Clarke couldn’t recognize the girl she was looking at, her shoulders were sunken in which made her appear more fragile than she was. It was _her_ , whoever she was. All it took was a glance; the scars on her forearm already a memorable image in Clarke’s head. 

The brunette who had straighter hair this time looked a lot less intimidating than she did lifting weights. Clarke was having a hard time figuring out if they were both the same person. The girl in front of her looked small under her gaze even though she couldn’t see her face, Clarke felt lucky to be seeing a more vulnerable side.

After indulging her eyes for a bit longer than necessary, Clarke thought it would probably be a good idea to stop staring and get her clothes on. She took out her gym bag from inside and set it on the bench, checking if the girl had heard it. She didn’t, her back was still towards Clarke. 

This could be the only opportunity to talk to her, and Clarke needed to clear her head of the guilty thoughts that started to plague her mind. She tries to convince herself that it’s an odd luck that she’s run into her as much as she has. But if she’s being honest, Clarke doesn’t believe in coincidences, she’s a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

_Be cool Clarke._

That was when Clarke decided to slam the locker door shut with a little too much force. From the corner of her eye she saw that the girl flinched at the noise and froze in her spot. Her shoulders visibly tensed and the vulnerability Clarke saw two minutes ago was replaced with a cold apprehension. 

Clarke turned her head to see green eyes looking back from her seated position. The girl’s eyes widened when she saw her, pulling out her earphones and turned back around to find a shirt. She put it on with a little too much fervor, pulling down her sleeves past her wrists. When she saw this, Clarke felt a familiar heaviness settle in her chest. 

“Thanks again, for the towel.” She offered, holding up her towel around her and using the other hand to rifle through her gym bag. 

“That was you?” Clarke glanced over and saw a look of disbelief on her face. 

“Yeah, small world.” The blonde saw realization spread across the girls face, and hid her smile. 

“You are not following me, I hope.” The girl looked away and picked up a water bottle from near her feet and took a long drink. 

“Don’t flatter yourself, I came here for a run.” Clarke responded nonchalantly. She moved her eyes back to her belongings and missed the momentary look of distaste on the girls face. 

She heard a quiet chuckle come from the other side, “Does almost falling off the treadmill count as a satisfactory run?” 

There was a ghost of a smile on Clarke’s lips, but she brushed it off and felt her eyes being drawn to the girls. “Were you watching me?” 

The brunette had avoided her stare and couldn’t hide the slight blush creeping up on her cheeks. Something about knowing that she wasn’t the only one staring gave her a warm feeling in her stomach. Clarke felt her own face getting warmer. 

_Okay so far, so good._  

“N-no of course not. But it was hard to miss the sound of gagging coming from the treadmills.” The girls eyes darted around, she picked up the water bottle again and took another large drink. This time Clarke moved her eyes to the girl and caught the small but noticeable look of disgust on her face. 

_I probably just made her uncomfortable._  

Clarke realized she still hadn’t changed; she looked down at herself wrapped up in the towel and then to the girl. 

“Oh, yes. Of course, sorry.” The brunette stammered and turned her body around to face a row of lockers. 

Clarke was sometimes a little blind to things but she wasn’t oblivious to the nervousness the girl was showing. It wasn’t obvious but Clarke could sense that she too was caught off guard by what was happening. She started dressing herself, looking back to see that the figure had still kept her eyes trained to the floor. 

“With the amount of times we run into each other, I think it’s only fair to know your name.” Clarke had been waiting to ask, trying to sound casual. 

“Lexa,” She said faintly. 

It sounded so mechanical coming out of her mouth, but Clarke couldn’t stop thinking about how easily it rolled off her tongue.  

“And you?” 

“I’m Clarke,” she took careful steps towards Lexa after fastening the buttons on her shirt. 

The dark haired girl noticed the voice get closer to her, and she rotated her torso to see the blonde girl standing above her, hesitantly offering her hand. 

It was like she had never shaken anyone’s hand before, looking at the open palm in front of her with a look that Clarke couldn’t figure out. 

Lexa had gotten up from the bench and maintained space between them, “Nice to meet you, Clarke.” 

The way Lexa’s tongue clicked saying her name made Clarke’s stomach flutter. 

_It sounds so much better when she says it._

She had brought her hand up to Clarke’s and held it firmly. They were looking at each other with a quiet intensity, unaware of how long their hands were touching until Lexa abruptly pulled hers away. She looked at her hand like she got burned, and curled it into a fist beside her. 

Clarke missed the warmth of her hand as soon as it was gone, feeling a scorching sensation where their hands met. She didn’t really know just what that was. _That was weird._ Instead she gave Lexa a small smile and walked back to the other side, putting away her gym attire. 

Lexa resumed her place on the bench and fidgeted with her hands absentmindedly. 

“I couldn’t help but notice your tattoos, they’re beautiful.” 

“Thank you.” Lexa moved her eyes to Clarke and saw that she had taken a seat, mirroring her position. 

“May I ask what they mean?” She wanted to know if there was a story behind the artwork. 

After a couple seconds of silence Lexa spoke, “The sword on my back represents unwavering strength, and the wings symbolize... hope, if you will.” 

“What about the rose on your hand?” That was the first one Clarke had seen and was immediately drawn to it, she thought it must have held importance considering the intimate placement. 

Lexa lowered her gaze and avoided the stare she felt from the blonde. She used her other hand and gently moved her thumb back and forth across the tattooed skin beneath. 

“It holds no meaning, it is just a single rose.” The blonde couldn’t return the uncertain stare from Lexa and tried to work with her. 

Clarke didn’t really believe her, but pressing too far got her nowhere the last time, “But why on the hand?” 

Lexa continued to look down at her hand, her face appearing to be contemplating something. Clarke noticed a shift in the girl’s demeanor when the blonde looked back up at her. 

The brunette’s eyes flickered to the floor, then back to Clarke’s and tightened her jaw. “Why do you keep trying so hard?” Lexa asked coldly. 

She wasn’t talking about her tattoo anymore and Clarke needed a second to collect her thoughts. Bringing up the meaning of the rose was a sensitive topic, which brought a new but recognizable heaviness around Clarke. 

The last time Clarke answered the girls question with another worked out terribly so she decided that it was only fair to answer honestly. 

“Everyone needs someone who cares, as much as you think that you don’t need anyone.” Clarke cautiously lifted up her gaze and waited for a response. 

She could see that what she had just said definitely struck a nerve causing Lexa to visibly shrink under her stare. The girl’s shoulders seemed to sink in slightly before straightening while she continued to look at her feet. 

“Caring too much only results in disappointment.” Was all Lexa had said, her voice was steady but Clarke could hear the strain as well. 

She didn’t know how or when they started to talk about heavier subject matter, but for the first time ever, Clarke could hear genuineness in Lexa’s voice. 

“Caring too little might make you feel untouchable, but it isn’t worth the loneliness you feel.” 

The two women had been talking for well over five minutes in the stillness of the change room, and seemed to lose track of time. Clarke had already finished changing and she would’ve already left if it weren’t for the invisible pull she felt in her chest. 

“I would rather care too little than care too much,” Lexa drifted her eyes from the floor and flickered them towards the attentive girl watching her, “Loneliness is inescapable, we simply must learn to adapt.” 

“I’ll stop you right there,” Clarke was wringing her hands together listening to Lexa and blew a puff of air through her nose in frustration. She honestly didn’t know what was fuelling her thoughts; they had barely talked before this. 

Her legs moved on her own accord, and Clarke found herself taking careful steps towards the other side of the room. 

A look of panic flashed through Lexa’s eyes when Clarke began to take closer steps, she laced her fingers together and kept her pale-green eyes trained on her hands. 

“No one needs to _adapt_ to isolation, we’re not expected to get through life all by ourselves,” Clarke was standing over Lexa now and wasn’t able to stop the weight being pressed into her chest when she saw how small she looked, “At the end of the day we only have ourselves, but at the same time, it doesn’t hurt to let someone in.” 

Clarke best expressed herself through physical contact, but she knew that other people didn’t appreciate what she thought was simply a kind gesture. She pushed away the feeling of uncertainty and brought her hand to Lexa’s shoulder and rested it there. Clarke had the intent to comfort but something inside her craved the closeness, convincing herself it was a platonic gesture. 

The brunette flinched at the contact, it was subtle but Clarke felt her freeze when her hand met her shoulder. She couldn’t help but relish in being able to be this close to Lexa, trying to be as tender as possible. After a few moments of silence between the two, Clarke felt Lexa lean in to the touch and sigh. 

Clarke had focused her downward gaze towards Lexa’s, silence calmly washing over them. She watched as Lexa parted her lips to blow out a breath of air, and that was when Clarke realized she was probably a lot closer than the girl wanted. 

Even though Clarke’s face was a lot higher since she was standing, she couldn’t miss the smell of stale liquor pass through the air as Lexa exhaled. 

Clarke began having a lot of difficulty distinguishing what the heaviness she felt in her chest meant and the warmth in her abdomen. She was slowly piecing together an internal revelation, her chest constricting with each passing thought. She let her hand tighten her grip around Lexa’s shoulder, setting her jaw straight. 

There was so much more Clarke needed to know, and she was willing to be there to listen, if she was given the chance. It was something about Lexa’s eyes that drew her in, at first she saw a shallow stare but now she was able to find the depth. But it wasn’t until she saw the girl let her guard down for the first time in front of Clarke, that she let herself get pulled in even more by an invisible tether. 

If Clarke had any doubts about her feelings, this encounter with Lexa solidified at least a few things. It’s unfair to expect anything more than friendship this early on, so she tried to focus on _Lexa_ and not the warmth she felt swirling in her abdomen. Clarke knows absolutely nothing about her but the idea of having even just a _chance_ made her chest feel a little lighter. 

“We accept the love we think we deserve,” Clarke felt the girls shoulders steadily raise and fall, and gave another light but supporting squeeze, “But sometimes we just need a little help to change the way we think about ourselves.” 

With that, Clarke pulled her hand back in to her side and immediately missed the contact, feeling a tingling feeling where her palm lay. She wasn’t going to be the one who watched Lexa walk away again, so without another word she moved towards her gym bag and slung it over her shoulder. 

Lexa released a breath she didn’t realize she was holding, exhaling through her mouth and closed her eyes before opening them again. Green eyes blinked towards where Clarke had been picking up her things, watching in silence as she moved away from the lockers. She took notice of a crumpled piece of paper fall through Clarke’s fingers and wondered what it was. 

She found her legs moving towards the discarded object, bending over to pick up the small folded up piece of paper. It was ripped off from a corner of a page, small enough to fit in a few words. Lexa opened it and saw a delicately written script with ten digits and two other accompanying words below.

 

_I’m here._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really have an update schedule, I'll try and post when I have the time in-between school and work. 
> 
> As always, thanks for reading!
> 
> find me @ lexasclvrke.tumblr.com


	3. you, my everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't be able to update as often as I would like bc of work so I apologize in advance.

_3 years ago, September 2012_

To say Lexa hugely disliked morning classes would've been a huge understatement, and if it weren't for coffee it would have been a bitch to get through. As much as she had a fondness for philosophy and literature in general, getting up at seven in the morning to make an eight o'clock class was plain brutal.

It was the first day of the semester starting grade ten and even though Lexa basically mastered the art of look of never looking unnerved, she felt her shoulders tense and her heartbeat pick up as she walked through the back doors. Lexa wasn't an anxious person; she refused to let herself believe that walking by groups of over-excited teenagers affected her in the slightest, even if her hands did start to tremble slightly in her jacket pockets.

_You are not weak._

Keeping her head down, earphones playing a soft rhythmic tune that reverberated in her ears, Lexa immersed herself in the music and continued her brisk walk upstairs to her homeroom class.

Just walking through the masses of people standing around aimlessly in the hall was time-consuming; Lexa suppressed her annoyance every time she felt a shoulder or a backpack bump into her carelessly. Mindless chatter of summer vacation stories were heard over the music in her ears, and it made Lexa feel a pang of disappointment at what her own summer consisted of.

Her parents had told her the month before she finished grade nine that the three of them would be taking a month long vacation throughout Europe. The thought of leaving Boston for even just a month got her pulse racing, she wanted nothing more than to get away for just a little while, even if that meant being stuck with her parents. Lexa already had contemplated building her life by herself somewhere in the UK, she wasn't sure where exactly, but she was still young and had plenty of time to think about it. Anything was better than the present and she longed to pack up everything and start afresh where no one knew her name.

A week before their departure out of the country, her parents told her in the middle of their usual silent dinner that they had to go without her. They told her that the trip was going to be very costly, and there were enough expenses for the both of them to cover without Lexa coming. Lexa laughed bitterly especially at that part, her father was a chairman for a global marketing company who made more money than she could in her entire lifetime. He was barely at home, and when he was, she felt like a dead weight whenever she was around him. It made her think twice about whether she even considered him a father, and Lexa couldn’t stop the growing hatred she had for the man.

For the remainder of her summer, she had been left alone in her three thousand square foot home with nothing but her own hollow and empty thoughts. She tried getting a summer job but since she was still only fifteen with no experience behind her, it came to little surprise that no one got back to her.

 _Do not rely on anybody except yourself_ , Lexa reminded herself.

It had been a few minutes after the morning bell had rung, the first day’s announcements being read by overly joyous voices. Lexa couldn’t figure out how people her age were so exuberant about life, it was hard to find anything that excited her anymore. She’s so young and yet Lexa already feels like her life is a big fucking joke.

The upstairs hallway looked empty, most students filling up the classes, while a few stragglers hung around the lockers. Feeling slightly less agitated by the lack of people around; she let herself move her eyes upwards. With her hands still dug deep in her black leather jacket, she closed her eyes and inhaled through her nose before exhaling.

Lexa didn’t care much for attendance, she wasn’t uptight about her punctuality, but she rarely skipped. Plus it made slipping in the back of the classroom a lot easier, and Lexa preferred being away from the front.

She pulled out a folded up piece of paper from her pocket and saw Rm. 214 typed out in the timetable under her first period class. Lexa was mildly excited to be in a philosophy class, and hoped Mr. Miller wouldn’t totally ruin it. Her fondness for literature helped in deciding to take the course, but she probably wouldn’t admit it.

Walking in front of the door reading 214 beside it, Lexa forced down the lump in her throat, pushing the handle down and twisting it. There was a tanned middle aged man with a shaved head standing in front of a group of students sitting at the desks, his voice a little more cheery rather than the usual monotonous tone she was used to.

Lexa clicked the door shut quietly behind her, trying to keep her late arrival as less noticeable as possible. There was an empty desk in the back right corner of the room, and she tried to silence her footsteps as she walked towards it.

“Alright guys, so it looks like everyone who’s in this class is more or less here, so when I call your name… Well you know what to do.” The tall man with an olive skin complexion moved from the centre of the room and walked towards his desk at the front. He shuffled through sheets of papers before beginning to read out names in alphabetical order and scrawling on a folder.

It wasn’t hard for Lexa to tune out the mindless whispering coming from all around her, but listening to music definitely made it easier. She kept her hands folded in her lap, trying to glare back at the curious faces scanning the room, but instead found herself avoiding eye contact altogether.

The last names were nearing Lexa’s and her heartbeat started to increase, and she felt herself getting uncomfortably warm. She hated this, feeling like she’s losing all control of her physiological state in ordinary circumstances, it made no sense to her.

_Stop being so weak._

“Lexa Grey?” The same gruff voice called out.

Her response was a bit delayed, she was having trouble with her thoughts but when Lexa heard her name again a little louder she snapped out of her daze.

“Lexa?” He had repeated once more.

The dark haired girl set her jaw back, straightened her shoulders back slightly and raised her hand just above her head, clearing her throat, “Here.”

It was hard not to recoil slightly in her chair when she saw unfamiliar faces turn themselves around to look for the voice just spoke out. Lexa curled her fists until her knuckles went white as she heard quiet laughter when they turned back around.

This wasn’t anything new to Lexa; she didn’t exactly fit in with the rest of the crowd that she grew up around. It hurt to know that people were going to be cruel to her most of her life, but that’s mostly the reason why she refuses to let anyone get close enough, it only screwed her over. She had gotten accustomed to being by herself, and Lexa was perfectly content with the comfortable solitude it brought.

But in all honesty, she was wondering how much longer she would have to keep herself isolated. As much as she enjoyed being alone, the loneliness forced her to become an emotionless and callous shell of a person. She couldn’t remember a time where she wasn’t so stoically safeguarded; it was just her personality at this point.

Lexa had been unconsciously picking the skin near her fingers, a nervous habit she constantly tries to convince herself isn’t a problem. It came to a point where the skin around her nails bled and became tender and raw. Her parents always chastise her about it, but she just tries to hide her hands now and avoids the unwanted confrontation.

In her peripherals, Lexa had saw the girl at the table beside her lean into her space, reddish hair curtaining her face, “They just have nothing better to do, really.”

She wasn’t sure if the words were directed towards her but when Lexa blinked towards the voice she saw the girl offering a soft smile. The girl had a fair complexion with wavy shoulder length hair, a deep shade of auburn, and hazel eyes. She saw kindness in her facial features and Lexa could see how warm her eyes looked, the tension in her muscles started to dissipate.

_Why is she even speaking to me?_

Lexa was used to being left alone, people would take one look at her and would be able to tell that she wasn’t a friendly person. So when someone actually wants to have a conversation with her, Lexa’s automatic response is to remain silent and disinterested, and that’s why people have learned to keep their distance. Again, that’s just how Lexa functioned; she had a reserved nature and kept to herself. She thrives on isolation as a safeguard; as much as it looked poorly in other people’s eyes, it brought her an irreplaceable sense of security.

Lexa figured that being the only child would mean that her parents would compensate for the loneliness of having no other siblings, and that made her spite them even more. More often than not did Lexa wish she were dead, she figured it would be less painful than having the only family in your life put you in a corner and forget about you.

She had seen how the girl shrank back into her seat, her eyes losing the shine they had when she first glanced over. Lexa usually didn’t care about hurting other people’s feelings but for the first time in a long time, she felt a twinge of guilt.

“People are cruel.” Lexa had muttered, her eyes facing towards the front of the room.

The girl who had decidedly abandoned the conversation after being met with silence turned her head around, her lips twitching into a small smile.

“Hey, we’re not _all_ that bad.” The girl said, she sat in a relaxed position with her legs outstretched, hands clasped in front of her on the desk.

Lexa felt her tight lips relax until the sides of her mouth turned upward slightly; she couldn’t stop herself from sparing another glance. The girl with reddish-brown hair was facing the front, her profile in view of Lexa. Something about her radiated comfort and ease, a sweet smile never leaving her face.

Whatever Lexa was feeling was new to her, for once she wasn’t regretting exchanging a few words with a stranger. The restlessness she had walked into the classroom with was forgotten, she couldn’t feel a weight being pressed down on her, and for that she was grateful.

The sound of an increasingly impatient group of students became apparent, as the chatter became louder Mr. Miller’s voice began to get drowned out. Lexa stopped paying attention to the attendance being taken and took shy glances to the girl beside her whenever she could.

Growing annoyed himself, the teacher insured he was being listened to and spoke louder this time, “Kostia Summers?”

Lexa tried to focus on the figure speaking when her gaze shifted again, this time she saw the girl lifting up her hand with a little too much enthusiasm, “Here!”

What caught Lexa’s attention more was the way Kostia began to look at her when she thought the brunette wasn’t looking. She tried to ignore the knots in her stomach when she saw the redhead push her hair behind her ears and glance over with a newfound pinkness in her cheeks.

“That’s a lovely name,” Lexa paused and looked at her with a smile before saying, “Kostia.” It sounded more like she was trying not to forget it, rather than a polite comment.

“It sounds a lot better when you say it.” She had a smirk on her face and looked at Lexa with a coy expression.

_Is she flirting with me? No, that would be ridiculous._

Lexa felt her face heat up and she avoided the girl’s stare, focusing on the man who had gotten up from his desk. Lexa doesn’t do nervous, she’s cold hearted and apathetic or at least that’s what people have been telling her most of her life. So why does it feel like one of the countless metaphorical walls she has built for herself is slowly collapsing around her?

“Learning all of your names is going to be a real treat, so please guys, make my life a little easier and stop talking.” Mr. Miller spoke firmly and successfully got the classes attention.

Lexa broke out of the reverie she seemed to be in and trained her eyes to the front, ignoring the fluttery feeling in her abdomen.

“There is an assignment worth 35% of your final grade due at the end of the year, but you guys will have plenty of time to work on it till the deadline so don’t freak out too much.”

There were shouts of protest against the weight of the assignment, Lexa ignoring the pointless and whiney comments being thrown around by people in the room.

“I said don’t freak out guys. Each of you will be paired up with someone so that the workload won’t be too overwhelming. I wanted to get this part out of the way so that you guys know about it well in advance.”

The idea of working with someone in this class full of people Lexa had zero interest in interacting with set her on edge. Well, there was Kostia but she only just met her so it’s not like Lexa would be her first choice.

“Since some of you are new to the school or don’t know each other, I thought it would be fair game to pick at random.”

Lexa’s shoulders tensed up and she felt the familiar feeling of dread creep into her. To say she hated group work, or working with anybody would be putting it mildly. She’s been in too many situations where she ends up doing all of the work by herself only to be give away her own credit to those who don’t deserve it.

Mr. Miller had written everyone’s name in the class on pieces of paper, and mixed them up in a fedora that somebody had given him to use. Instead of getting the entire room of students to go up one by one, he told them that he would pick the pairs himself.

He began pulling out names while looking the other way, announced the groups out loud and then wrote down each pair that got chosen.

She hated that something so trivial as choosing a partner for an assignment made her palms sweat, unaware of how her leg had been shaking anxiously.

“Lexa,” At the sound of hearing her name, her breath hitched in her throat and she held her breath as he pulled out another name, “And Kostia.”

_What. The. Fuck._

Her eyes widened in disbelief at how slim the chances were of being paired with the one person she actually spoke to. The anxiety that was building inside Lexa started to diminish when she spared a glance towards Kostia.

She was immediately drawn to how the girl’s eyes had lit up; Lexa didn’t need to be any closer to her to see the effervescence in honey-gold irises. The sight of someone who looked so genuinely pleased to be around Lexa made it easy for her to return a sincere grin.

“This year just got a whole lot more interesting.” Kostia murmured just loud enough for Lexa to hear, sending an inexplicable sensation down her spine.

 

\----

 

So as it turns out, Lexa’s life wasn’t a total shit show, well it still was, but it was incredibly better than it had been before the school year started. Every part of her told her that it was fleeting because nothing good ever lasts when it comes to Lexa. She usually gave precedence to her instincts but Lexa seemed to be pulled into some sort of gravitational force, the cause being nothing more than a simple infatuation.

It had been five months since the two had first met in their first period class, and Lexa thinks she was just a hollow of a person until she met Kostia, void of any emotional attachment. But everything changed after they started spending quiet lunches together, enjoying being around each other in even the simplest of silences. That’s what Lexa loved the most about her, she would be content just sitting near her even when she knew the brunette had nothing to say.

It had been two months since they had both shared their first kiss together, and Lexa wondered how it was possible for someone to have such addictive lips. Her heart raced whenever she thought about kissing Kostia and it reached a point where Lexa knew she was absolutely fucked.

They were at Lexa’s house while her parents were away (which was nothing new), sitting in the basement with their eyes trained on their laptop screens. Kostia had her legs crossed and propped up on the couch, while Lexa sat on the floor with her back against it. If she was being honest, she thought that Kostia used their assignment as an excuse to come over and spend time with her but never once could Lexa find it in herself to refuse.

Sitting on the floor with her legs outstretched, Lexa pressed her lips together as she typed into her keyboard, her narrowed eyes never losing focus. It was quiet enough that she could hear the other side of the couch where Kostia had been sitting creak as the weight against it lifted itself off. Lexa had been too concentrated on the search results she pulled up that she didn’t hear the other girl walk over beside her.

She didn’t say anything to Lexa, just knelt down beside her with her hands in her lap as she waited to meet forest-green eyes. Lexa felt movement brush against the side of her arm and she turned her head to see Kostia’s less than a foot away from hers.

Her golden eyes were staring back at her with an underlying look of uncertainty behind them, with her bottom lip caught between her teeth. Lexa had a bemused expression and softened her eyes at how concerned the girl appeared to be.

“Kostia, wha-“

Lexa was abruptly cut off when she felt a hand behind her neck pull her in closer, her lips were parted about to speak when she felt warm lips cover her own in a gentle kiss. She didn’t know how badly she needed this until Kostia had her fingers in her hair, Lexa mirroring her action, bringing their bodies closer together. They still had their lips pressed together, but Lexa really needed to get some air in her lungs so that she could think straight.

The dark haired girl pulled away, moving her hands out of Kostia’s hair and onto her lap. Trying to control her ragged breaths, she saw in the corner of her eye the way Kostia immediately moved away from Lexa with wide eyes.

“God, I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry.” Her voice was shaky and suddenly a lot more insecure than Lexa had ever heard it.

It didn’t seem to occur to Lexa that she should have said something back; instead she stayed wordless in her spot, appearing to be in thought. Tension hung in the air between the two when neither one of them moved or said anything, their eyes suddenly a lot more concerned with their surroundings.

Lexa smiles at the memory of how screwed she realized she was in that very moment. It should have felt like an awkward situation but that’s what she liked the most about being around her, nothing felt forced or uncomfortable. Lexa recalled the intimate event in her mind when she remembered herself pick up the laptop off of her, getting up to crawl towards Kostia.

It was hard to forget the way her heart began to pound in her chest when she bent down and moved her legs so that her thighs were on either side of Kostia’s. The look of unadulterated hopefulness that Lexa saw in those glowing hazel eyes brought her enough courage to bring both her hands to cup the sides of her face.

They ended up on the sofa tangled in each other’s limbs, sharing tender caresses and affectionate pecks. It was the first night that Lexa fell asleep in someone’s arms, and she swore to herself that it wouldn’t be the last.

Lexa had never felt so sure about anything in her entire life until she met Kostia, then it was like everything began to align perfectly. If you asked Lexa what the fluttery feeling she felt in her stomach was, she would probably lie and say it was the nerves, definitely _not_ butterflies or anything.

 

 ----

 

 **Kos** : u coming over later tonight?

 **Me** : of course, i just need to go home first and get some stuff

 **Kos** : ok :) see you soon<3

 

She wanted to type i love you, but Lexa wasn’t sure she was ready to say that out loud just yet. For once in her life, she feels like she actually has a purpose to stick around, for Kostia. She loves her, and it absolutely fucking terrifies Lexa.

Pushing down the lump in her throat, Lexa dug in the back pocket of her jeans to get her keys. She pulled them out and shoved it into the keyhole, turning it once she heard the familiar click of the door.

It was quiet, but that was nothing new to Lexa, getting back to a vacant house was routine for her. The sound of the sink running in the kitchen caught her attention, there were voices being stifled by the water. Instead of a comfort she should have felt there was apprehension.

She preferred it when no one was at home; Lexa was accustomed to living on her own while her parents sent her money to insure she was taken care of. It was laughable, but at the same time, pitiful that her mother and father used money as their form of non-committal love. Her family was a joke.

Closing the door behind her, Lexa slipped her shoes off and tried to walk quietly towards the stairs when a figure crept around the corner.

“Lexa, don’t you know it’s impolite to ignore greeting your parents?” She hated how her mother’s voice was laced with a sickeningly sweet tone.

“Maybe I would be doing it more often if you were actually in the house once in a while.” Lexa couldn’t stop herself from replying back with a bite in her voice.

“Well we’re here now. We were thinking of going out for dinner, your father and I have missed you dear.”

It was only fair to scoff at that, “I’m going to Kostia’s. You can go without me, like you usually do.” Lexa spat, starting to walk forward.

“You should be spending time with us rather than wasting time with that girl.” A gruff voice came from behind her mother, and Lexa stiffened her shoulders and pursed her lips when he came into view.

“The only thing I’m doing right now is wasting my time,” Her voice became louder, pent up anger rising from her throat, “talking to parents who could give two shits about their daughter.”

“Don’t you dare talk to us like that, we give you everything and yet you still complain?” His voice sounded threatening and usually Lexa would cower at yelling directed towards her but she maintained her defensive stance.

This was getting a lot more heated than Lexa anticipated and she honestly didn’t want to waste her breath. Her hands balled into fists at her sides and she steadied her breathing, trying to control the rage building inside.

“What you _do_ is leave for weeks, sometimes months and leave me alone in this place with nothing but a stack of cash, and you wonder why I can’t stand to be around either of you?” She hissed and scoffed at how deluded they were.

Her mother tried to get a word in, usually being the one to try and smooth things over but Lexa just needed to leave.

“No, you know what? I’m just going to go.” Lexa sighed impatiently and stuck her palm out to both of them, pausing before turning around towards the staircase.

There was no way Lexa wanted to stay here any longer than necessary, grabbing a bag and throwing in her overnight belongings. It was foolish of her to think her parents would ever change, she thought.

Having gotten everything she needed, Lexa closed her bedroom door behind her and made her way back downstairs.

She was a few feet away from the front door, when she saw her mother leaning against the wall with her arms crossed. Lexa walked until she was a few steps away from the door and stopped, keeping her eyes down.

“You can do better than her Lexa. You are too young to realize it, but she will break you.” Lexa gritted her teeth, hiding a snarl, “And you know it too.” She hated hearing the sincerity in her voice, the way it came out made Lexa’s chest clench.

“I can’t break if I’m already broken,” It came out as a mumble but Lexa had a thoughtful look, “The difference is, she’s fixing what you guys broke in the first place.” With those words hanging in the air, Lexa walked to the door and opened it, slamming it on the way out.

It was about a twenty-minute walk to Kostia’s place, Lexa’s footsteps were hasty, the frustration brought on by her parents still weighing on her mind. She was too absentminded with her irritation that Lexa didn’t notice her nails digging into her palms in her sweater pocket.

Coming into view of the row of townhouses on Kostia’s street gave Lexa a nervous feeling in her stomach, no matter how hard she tried, it always came without fail. Pushing it down, Lexa smoothed down her curls slightly, set her jaw straight and pushed her shoulders back in a mechanical movement.

She was wearing one of her favourite hoodies with skinny jeans and a pair of slip-on Vans. If Lexa had to describe her current style, she would just say a lot of black and skate shoes, fashion wasn’t exactly on top of her list of priorities.

There weren’t any cars parked on the driveway, Lexa becoming slightly relieved that she managed to avoid having to meet her parents yet again. The idea of meeting Kostia’s parents who are apparently ‘high class conservatives’ made Lexa cringe whenever she thought about their daughter who was the polar opposite.

Walking up the stairs to the porch, she caught sight of the sign beside the door that read, “The Summers” in big block text with a border of a tacky countryside landscape. Lexa smirked at the decoration whenever she came by, remembering how Kostia went into detail about her strong distaste for it.

Avoiding all formalities, Lexa opened the front door and took a second to breathe in the smell of everything that reminded her of Kostia, her heartbeat starting to quicken. Discarding her shoes by the front, Lexa wasted no time before she climbed the stairs two at a time, bounding towards the sound of music resonating from the top floor.

The door to her room was left ajar, and Lexa had to mentally prepare her nerves before she went any further. She had seen Kostia countless number of times, but every time still feels like the first and Lexa still gets that gross tingly feeling in the pit of her abdomen. Again, not butterflies or anything, Lexa doesn’t do cheesy. She laughs through her nose at how wrong she knows she is, trying to keep her arrival unknown.

Finally gaining enough courage, Lexa pushed the door open and her eyes immediately found Kostia. She was lying with her stomach pressed on the bed, facing the headboard and leaning on her elbows with her phone in both hands. The music was fairly loud, enough to drown out the sound of Lexa dropping her bag to the floor and taking leisurely steps towards Kostia.

Lexa walked to the right side of the bed and grinned at how stealthy she felt, putting her weight on both of her arms to try and lean her head into the other girls. The brunette didn’t notice the girl react, but when she craned her head around to kiss her, her lips were met with Kostia’s cheek instead.

She tried to suppress the pang of hurt she felt when Kostia moved her head around to avoid her lips, but instead retracted herself off the bed to sit across from the girl on the end of the bed.

“Hey.” Kostia said softly.

“Hi.” Lexa replied meekly.

Kostia rolled onto her back to lean on her forearms facing Lexa, “You took a little while, did something come up?”

“My parents were home, giving me the usual shit when they get back.” She always spoke in a monotone voice when talking about her parents, clenching her teeth at the memory.

Kostia just looked at her and mouthed an ‘O’ with her lips, moving her phone away to sit in an upright cross-legged position.

“We don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“I wasn’t going to, plus it’s not like you would understand.” Lexa mocked.

“Don’t be like that, you know you can talk to me about anything.” A look of hurt flashed through Kostia’s eyes and Lexa had to avert her gaze.

Lexa clamped her jaw shut, keeping her weary eyes downcast. She hated the way Kostia could unravel her with just a look, it made Lexa seethe to know someone had the power to make her feel so powerless.

When she returned her stare back to hazel eyes, she saw Kostia gesturing for her to lie beside her. Without a second thought, Lexa took a deep breath and exhaled, using all fours to crawl inside the space Kostia made for her.

She felt herself relax immediately into her side when Kostia brought her arm around to rest on Lexa’s stomach. Lexa rested her head on Kostia’s collarbone, closing her eyes and inhaling the sweet smell of vanilla on her skin. She started to gently caress the skin on Kostia’s arm with her fingers, and hid a smile when she saw the tiny hairs start to stand on end like a chain reaction. Lexa could feel the steady heartbeat under her cheek speed up at the contact.

_I make her nervous too. So I’m not just imagining this._

“What are we doing?” Lexa lifted her head slightly so that the words glided over Kostia’s skin.

“Lying down?” She could hear a smile in Kostia's voice, starting to trace circles on the Lexa’s back through her sweater absentmindedly, “Is this a trick question Lex?”

“No Kostia, I mean what are _we_ doing?” Lexa’s voice was quieter this time.

The stillness of the room amplified after Lexa spoke, she felt Kostia’s hand that was tracing circles on her back stop and her breath hitch. Lexa regretted bringing this up but it was eating her on the inside to have such a vague relationship and not talk about it.

“I’m not gay,” She spoke firmly, and she resumed the movement against Lexa’s back, “I can’t be,” Her voice beginning to waver slightly.

Hearing those words, Lexa swiftly moved out of Kostia’s hold to look at the girl, who had now folded her legs up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. What hurt Lexa the most, was the way it sounded more like Kostia was reassuring herself rather than stating it plainly.

Lexa sat at the end of the bed with her legs crossed, and had an incredulous look on her face, “So, what? Are we supposed to just pretend that there’s nothing more to this?”

“There’s nothing more to this, Lexa. I don’t see why it’s suddenly a big deal now.” Kostia replied stiffly, pressing a button on a remote to silence the room.

“Does that mean you make out with all your friends then?” Lexa shot back.

Kostia’s mouth opened and closed again, trying to speak out but not saying anything. After realizing she had nothing to retaliate with, she exhaled dejectedly.

“That’s what I thought.” Lexa sighed and felt her entire body sink in with a heaviness.

“I like you Lexa. I like you so much, and it scares me,” Kostia’s voice was so small and barely audible, it sounded like a different person entirely. “But I can’t do it. I can’t give you more because I’m not ready, I don’t think I’ll ever be.” Lexa remained silent but attentive as she saw Kostia’s eyes become glossy.

“You kissed me, remember?” The brunette offered quietly. She wanted so badly to just reach over and hold her, something ached inside of Lexa to take away the pain Kostia displayed on her face.

Kostia didn’t say anything, just kept her eyes on her fingers as she fidgeted nervously in her place.

“My parents will disown me, they’re all I have. You have to understand Lexa.” She whispered.

Her eyes became hard and visibly darkened, a snarl escaping from her mouth,” What is there to understand Kostia? I have no parents as far as I’m concerned, I have _no one_.”

Kostia closed her eyes and dropped her head, pinching the bridge of her nose as she took slow breaths.

The tension in the air hung between them both, nothing being said while green and hazel eyes darted around, avoiding each other’s gaze. Lexa thought she was angry, it was a strange and unfamiliar feeling she had in her chest. It didn’t make her hands tremble, nor did she have any desire to scream from her lungs, no it wasn’t rage. It physically felt like her chest was throbbing, Lexa had never felt heartbreak in her life until now.

“You’re all I have.” She breathed out. Lexa felt her pulse race when her voice cracked, her chest silently heaving at the verbal proclamation.

She got up from the bed and retreated to the corner of the room where her bag was, leaning on the wall and bringing her legs to her chest. Lexa wrapped her hands around them, copying Kostia’s position and rested her face in between her knees.

“No you don’t get to say that Lexa, you know I can’t ever leave you. That’s not fair.” Kostia finally replied with a defensive tone.

Lexa lifted her head and laughed bitterly, with her gaze fixed ahead. She moved her eyes, holding a cold stare and met Kostia’s.

“What isn’t fair is how selfish you’re being. You’re making it sound like you’re the only one who has to make sacrifices,” Lexa pressed her lips together, her voice breaking, “Just because my life already sucks, doesn’t mean it can’t get any worse.”

The sound of muffled crying came from the other side of the room, catching Lexa’s attention. Kostia had her face in her hands and silently wept, her body caving inwards. Lexa’s chest ached for her and she found herself walking towards the crumpled figure on the bed.

Crawling back on the bed, Lexa was the one to wrap herself around Kostia and let the girl cry into her hair. Her croaky voice repeated apologies into Lexa’s skin, clutching onto the girls clothing, trying to be as close as possible. Lexa just stroked the girl’s auburn hair under her fingers, rubbing soothing circles on Kostia’s back.

“Nothing has to change Kostia. I need you more than you need me,” She whispered gently and rested her cheek on top of Kostia’s head, “I’ll be fine with whatever you want, just… don’t leave.” It felt like she was pleading, like holding on to her would mean she stayed.

Kostia mumbled incoherently into Lexa’s hair, her cries becoming softer, and her heaving chest slowed. They sat like that until Kostia fell asleep in Lexa’s arms, her crying replaced with rhythmic breathing and a steady heartbeat.

Lexa lay awake while Kostia slept soundly, not realizing she had been stroking copper hair for so long that her arm became numb. There was something so serene about the stillness of the room, she leaned her head back so it was resting against the headboard and inhaled deeply.

 _“This is how the story went_  
_I met someone by accident_  
_Who blew me away, blew me away.”_

Lexa felt a raspiness come from her throat, singing in the quietness and closed her eyes, enjoying the way how naturally the words came out.

 _“And it was in the darkest of my days_  
_When you took my sorrow and you took my pain_  
_And buried them away, buried them away.”_

Singing about someone she deeply cared for was something she had never done in her entire life, but it felt so right to Lexa. After hearing Kostia’s take on the ambiguity of their relationship, it gave Lexa hope that she could finally move on even though it didn’t really feel physically possible.

 _“But like everything I’ve ever known_  
_You’ll disappear one day.”_

The last note came out above a whisper, and Lexa opened her eyes and readjusted herself by putting space between them so that Kostia was lying on the pillow. Bringing herself in the same position, Lexa lay on her side with an arm underneath the pillow, Kostia’s back toward her. She found herself watching the girl’s shoulders steadily rise and fall, and brought her hand to carefully fiddle with the ends of her hair.

Being with her felt like breathing, it reminded Lexa that the constant feeling of her lungs constricting wasn’t the only thing that mattered. She knew, deep down that whatever this was could only last so long before something went wrong.

_It always does._

But she knew she had to make the most of the time she had with her, these intimate moments only confirmed how strong her feelings really are for Kostia. It wasn’t exactly an ideal situation for Lexa to be in, but she already decided that she would have Kostia as nothing more than a friend rather than not at all.

 

\----

 

It was a little weird but not totally out of character for Kostia to skip class, but Lexa convinced herself that she just wasn’t up to it today, fair enough.

She was forty minutes into her third period class and knowing lunch was in half an hour made her impatiently shake her knee up and down.

It had been a little over a month since the thing at Kostia’s place went down, and Lexa thought nothing more of it. They started to spend less time together, but for obvious reasons of course, and Lexa understood. Kostia was grateful for the distance Lexa gave her; she could see it in her eyes when the brunette would catch her gaze from across the room.

They would slip into the same comfortable silences during lunch, sparing shy glances when the other wasn’t looking and sharing genuine bouts of laughter. Things were okay.

If Lexa had been looking a little longer at Kostia, Lexa would be able to see her smile drop and her shoulders protrude inwards after she looked away.

What Lexa missed the most though was the feeling of someone else in the same bed as her; she craved intimacy but had to adjust to the inevitable loneliness. If she was being honest, she felt the safest when she was under the covers with Kostia’s arm snaked around her waist.

She remembered the text that Kostia sent her last night and began to panic. Lexa went to bed early and forgot to check her phone when she got up. Making sure the teacher wasn’t looking towards her, Lexa pulled her phone out of her pocket and went straight to her messages.

 **Kos** : lexa i think im going to do it  
**Kos:** u there? i said i think im going to tell my parents tmrw  
**Kos** : about you  
**Kos:** and us

Lexa felt her pulse race and her breath get caught in the back of her throat. She didn’t even see all of the messages until now and she didn’t try to hide the smile that appeared on her face.

 **Kos:** i think i love you lexa

The sound of other kids talking in the class started to fade away and the only thing Lexa could hear was her heartbeat ringing through her ears. She had to do a double take to make sure she was reading it correctly.

_She loves me._

The last part is what distracted Lexa the most because Kostia said it out loud before she did, even though she felt the same way for a long time. The thought of Kostia skipping school today weighed on Lexa, she was going to tell her parents everything.

Lexa didn’t have the chance to meet them before; their work schedules usually end up going well into the late hours of the night. From what Kostia told her though, things were most likely going to end badly, and Lexa needed to go see her.

Class just became her last concern on her list of priorities, and with that in mind, she tossed her notebook in her bag, picking it up and slid her chair back in a swift motion.

From the front of the classroom Lexa could hear a woman clear her throat and speak up, “Excuse me, where do you think you’re going? We still have twenty minutes left Lexa.”

The reality of walking straight out of class without any explanation didn’t seem to register to Lexa in the moment, but she had somewhere to be. It’s not like her parents would be made aware that she decided to get up and leave, she might as well be eighteen and make her own legal decisions.

She ignored the sounds of different voices calling to her as she made her way towards the back of the room. If you asked Lexa, it felt kind of liberating to stop overanalyzing for once and just do something without thinking about it too much. As she trudged through the empty hallways and finally out the back doors of the school, Lexa pulled her phone out and began to type.

 **Me:** im sorry i didn’t reply  
**Me:** did u do it kos??  
**Me:** im coming right now, i just walked out of class  
**Me:** shit that felt good  
**Me:** ill be right over  
**Me:** and i love you too, so much

Lexa couldn’t get the image of a smiling Kostia out of her mind, this was everything she wanted and it was hard to believe that for once, things were working out. She wishes she could have gone back in time and taken back everything she said in anger if she knew that everything would be all right.

But the past was in the past, and Lexa could only focus on now and just getting to Kostia. Her body tensed in the best possible way when she thought about finally getting to reconnect with somebody and it only made her heart rate accelerate.

The physical part of their relationship stopped after their talk, both of them agreeing that it would only complicate things further. It made sense with all things considered. Lexa didn’t know how she was getting by, but the only thing that fuelled her right now was the fact that she could kiss Kostia now without holding anything back.

With that thought fresh in her mind, Lexa’s brisk walk turned into a light jog as she neared the corner of her street. She caught sight of the familiar town home and ignored her bag slamming against her back as she sprinted towards it.

Reaching the front porch, Lexa assumed that the door would be open and pressed the handle down. It didn’t budge and she stood confused for a second with narrowed eyes. It was usually left open when Kostia was at home but she wasn’t about to waste more time and question as to why it was locked.

Remembering where she left a spare key, Lexa stepped off the doormat and bent down to lift it up at the corner. A small silver key had been placed underneath in the middle but she stopped her movements. There was a neatly folded piece of paper lying directly beside the key, and Lexa furrowed her brow, staring at it with a puzzled look.

Lexa picked up the folded paper and the key, dropping the mat back down. She slipped the key into her pocket and examined the paper. She was genuinely confused, not expecting to be so caught off guard as she was. As she unfolded it, Lexa took note of the handwritten text covering the entire page.

Lexa held her breath and felt a shiver jolt through her body as she began reading the jarringly familiar handwriting.

~

**_Lexa,_ **

**_I figured you’d be the first one to show up; you’ve always been like that._ _Isn’t it strange? We’ve only known each other for like 6 months yet it felt like so much more than that, you added a depth and colour to my life that I didn’t even know existed. Thank you for being a light in my life, even though you’ll never believe me._ **

**_You weren’t supposed to happen Lexa, things weren’t supposed to go like this. Grade 10 wasn’t meant to be the year I lost my mind, not this early at least. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you, I never asked for any of this. But I was selfish and kept you close to me even though I knew how toxic you were to me, and it only made things harder._ **

_**You’re toxic Lexa, and whenever I’m around you it feels like I’m suffocating. Somehow everything I own smells of you and it’s a constant reminder of how much I want you, but I’ll never have you.** _

**_I’m sorry for being a coward Lexa. I’m sorry I couldn’t just be brave and tell my parents. Why couldn’t things be different? I couldn’t even tell my parents that I love a girl because I’m too scared of what would happen; I’m such a coward._ **

**_I tried so hard to stay away from you, I really did. But in doing that, I just realized that if I can’t have you then it’s not worth tearing myself apart watching you try and keep your distance. God, Lexa Grey you were the best thing that ever happened to me ~~but also the worst fucking thing.~~_ **

**_It’s not worth waking up if it isn’t with you. I love you, I’m sorry._ **

**_Yours (always),_ **  
**_Kostia_ **

**_~_ **

Dropping the loose sheet of paper, Lexa haphazardly picked up the doormat and grabbed the key, her mind running on pure instinct.

_This is just a sick joke. What the fuck?_

She fumbled with the key in her pocket and dropped it, cursing under her breath as she tried to control her trembling fingers.

“Fuck. Okay.”

Picking it up, Lexa jammed it inside the keyhole with a fervor she hadn’t ever experienced. The lock inside clicked opened and Lexa threw her bag from over her shoulder onto the ground and felt her head spinning as she ran to the stairs.

Her vision became blurry with unshed tears and Lexa felt a painful pressure on her torso, it felt like her heart was about to fall out of her chest.

“Kostia! Where the fuck are you?” She didn’t try to keep her voice down and screamed, eventually hearing the echo of her own voice bounce off the walls.

Wasting no time, Lexa climbed the stairs two at a time and tripped halfway up, ignoring the sharp pain she felt from hitting her knee on the hardwood. She grabbed the handrail and pulled herself up, resuming her pace.

When she got up onto the second floor, breathing heavily, Lexa saw the door to Kostia’s room closed shut and she ran.

Pushing down the door handle forcefully, she stood at the doorframe and felt her knees buckle from underneath of her, a sob escaping from her lips. She covered her mouth with her quivering hands, tears beginning to fall freely and Lexa started to weep uncontrollably.

In the middle of the room where the ceiling fan was, Lexa saw Kostia’s limp body dangling underneath the fixture. A long cord of wire had been tied around her neck, her body swaying slightly in a circular motion.

Lexa wailed and couldn’t stop herself from clutching at her face, she screamed painfully into the stillness of the room. She felt the air escape from her lungs, the feeling of suffocating made Lexa hyperventilate.

With tear stained cheeks, Lexa picked up her crumpled body from the floor and sobbed while she walked towards Kostia hanging motionless. She continued to bawl when she came closer to see Kostia’s lifeless eyes open slightly, the hollow look making Lexa’s heart constrict excruciatingly. The blood vessels in her eyes had burst and all that was visible was her hazel coloured iris bordered by crimson.

“Why couldn’t you just stay strong for me?” Lexa choked through her sobs, her knees were weak but she managed to keep herself steady as she tried to untangle the wire from the ceiling fixture, “You didn’t even try.”

Her fingers trembled around the cord around Kostia’s neck, struggling to pull it off as gently as possible with her shaking hands. Lexa managed to loosen the noose as she grabbed Kostia’s waist, lifting her head out and keeping her body close to hers. The weight of Kostia made Lexa struggle to keep herself upright, and she felt her knees buckling again, making sure to gently lay Kostia on the ground.

_What did I do to deserve this?_

Lexa couldn’t stop crying, her entire body felt shattered and it was hard to get steady breaths in while she wept. She had Kostia’s head in her lap, and she moved her fingers over her eyelids so that they were shut. Her tears started to fall on the redhead’s unnaturally pale face and Lexa rubbed her thumb over the droplets.

“Fuck you for giving up, you ended everything before it even began.” Lexa rasped.

She started stroking Kostia’s hair tenderly while rocking herself back and forth. Her voice was quaking and her head throbbed as her silent cries echoed in the empty bedroom. Lexa’s voice was shaky as she started to quietly sing through her tears, her hand continuing the soothing motion against Kostia’s hair.

 _“Hello, hello_  
_Anybody out there? Cause I don’t hear a sound.”_

Lexa moved so that her forehead was leaning on Kostia’s and shut her eyes as her chest struggled for breath in between her gasps for air. She couldn’t focus on anything but her ragged breathing and irregular heartbeat, her entire body just felt numb. It felt like the heaviness in her chest would never pass, and Lexa felt so emotionally and physically drained that she couldn’t bring herself to move.

 _“Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I’m alright_  
_But it’s never enough.”_

Her voice was barely above a whisper, her lips grazing the top of Kostia’s forehead as she murmured familiar lyrics. The sheer exhaustion from her body wracked from sobs left a vacant feeling in her torso, the hollowness in her chest made it hard for her to breathe properly.

 _“Cause my echo, is the only voice coming back_  
_Shadow, is the only friend that I have.”_

With tears still rolling down her face, she squeezed her eyes and before pressing a delicate kiss to the skin beneath her lips. Lexa winced at the coldness of her skin and felt her throat’s airway closing up.

She felt weary from the sobbing, her entire being was left feeling cold and detached from herself. It was like Lexa was looking down on herself from above, dissociating from the pain of seeing her first love lying lifeless in her arms.

_It should have been me. I’m nothing._

Lexa was broken and she knew there was nothing that could fix the unbearable pain that replaced Kostia’s memory. Something inside of Lexa died with her and it felt like she had been thrown headfirst into a bottomless pit of desolation.

For the first time in Lexa’s life she was genuinely happy with where she was and it only took five minutes for her entire world to fall apart right in front of her. Kostia was everything and now she’s gone. 

Maybe her father was right, she resented herself for letting the familiar voice speak within her thoughts.

_“Love is weakness, Lexa.”_

Maybe she should have believed him. Lexa should’ve known better because in the end, nothing good ever lasts when it comes to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to keep all chapter titles named after songs, it makes it feel a little more personal for me that way.
> 
> The first song referenced was hiding my heart by adele, and the other one is echo by jason walker.


	4. i won't fight it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title song by andrew belle
> 
> as always, enjoy.

Clarke wasn’t too surprised to find herself in an empty dorm room for the fourth night this week; Octavia had been staying over at Lincoln’s, which was well, new. She didn’t mind the extra time to herself, but coming home from a long day of classes to silence was getting kind of lonely.

It was about two weeks since Clarke had last spoken to Lexa, she hadn’t texted her back, and really she shouldn’t be surprised. The girl barely knew her so she didn’t know what she was expecting, it was stupid and Clarke was well aware. The blonde mentally scolded herself for feeling her gut wrench after checking her messages, only to find nothing. 

The only upside to having their room to herself was that she actually got her assignments done on time, and had time to paint during her free time. Octavia liked to blast what Clarke called “ _obnoxious house music”_ at high volumes and made getting anything completed an unnecessary struggle.

But lately Clarke had been feeling especially isolated without her roommate, and she sort of started to miss the crap music Octavia always had on. The excitement of first year had started to die down and Clarke saw less of her friends now that classes were in full swing. 

She had gotten back from her English lit class with a dull headache ten minutes ago and was lying on her stomach face down on her bed, her breaths muffled by the sheets underneath. Her hands were on either side of her head while she looked at her phone a few inches away from her face. 

Clarke shifted her face so that her lips were able to move, “Just one text. I’m not asking for much Lexa.” She whispered to herself, and sighed at how pathetic her voice came out. 

She wasn’t really in the habit of talking to herself but she had been alone for a while and there were only so many ways of entertaining yourself.

 

_She's just one girl, stop letting her get in your head._

 

Irritated, Clarke huffed through her nostrils and used her arms to push herself off the bed and took lazy steps to her desk. She left her phone where it was and ignored the unwanted ache in her chest.

"I don't care.” Clarke muttered bitterly and pulled out a black sketchbook from her shelf before sitting in her seat with a creak, "I don't." The words felt wrong coming out of her mouth and her shoulders sunk. 

Her hand skimmed through filled pages and the tips of her fingers started to blacken after touching the charcoal sketches within. Most of the work in her sketchbook consisted of landscapes, line work and perspective pieces, though there were a few exceptions among the pages. 

Clarke was gritting her teeth as she reached the blank sections of the book, and clenched her jaw, staring at an empty page in front of her. She couldn’t get Lexa’s face out of her mind and it only worsened the uncomfortable feeling in her chest.

She had a piece of charcoal in her hands before she realized it and started to draw the beginning of a curve of a jaw. Clarke was so immersed at the task at hand that she didn’t realize the way her hand trembled slightly.

The smoothness of a jawline had been sketched, sharp cheekbones beginning to form after a few swift swipes of the charcoal. Clarke slowed her pace and let her fingers drift over the page gracefully as she drew thin, pursed lips. She still had the image of Lexa with her usual steely glare imprinted in her thoughts, and her hand kept on gliding over paper without hesitance. 

Clarke broke out of her reverie and examined over what she had drawn, a demure smile playing on her lips. It was clearly Lexa’s face she had been sketching; her strong facial features were all too distinct and memorable in Clarke’s mind for her to mistake it for someone else. 

She had a wistful look on her face, and caught herself tracing the curve of Lexa’s lips with her finger, smudging it slightly with each stroke. 

It looked quite realistic and Clarke was pretty impressed with herself. Portraits were never really her strong suit; she just could never do justice for someone else’s beauty. 

The whole thing was amusing to her; of course the first halfway decent sketch she ever made was of Lexa, _of course._  

Her thoughts didn’t seem to be a distraction because Clarke had already drawn a rough sketch of Lexa’s face with a hard face looking towards the distance. This was the look that Clarke was all too familiar with, but really, she thought the girl looked beautiful no matter what expression she wore.

The one thing that had been pulling at her inside was the hollowness of the picture, her eyes appeared void and lacked depth. She didn’t need to see Lexa again to remember just how bright and haunting her green eyes were. Clarke thinks that they’re the same shade of emerald that she sees right before she falls asleep. 

She set down the charcoal and kept her eyes fixed on the portrait with an air of yearning, as she reached her free hand towards a cloth pencil case. Clarke moved her gaze towards it, grabbed ahold of it and unzipped it, her fingers fumbling inside. Her tongue was sticking out of the side of her mouth as she fidgeted around. She exhaled after she found what she was looking for. 

Zipping back up the pencil case, Clarke studied the colour pencil in her hand with _forest-green_ written on the side. Pleased with her choice, she moved her hand back to her artwork and couldn’t stop the satisfied smile that spread across her face. 

She begun to carefully shade in the iris, the pupil already shaded by charcoal, and Clarke felt a pull in her chest when she saw the colour flood through the page. Her pencil strokes slowed down as she viewed the drawing, her mind blanked out when she saw just how _perfectly_ she managed to capture Lexa’s thoughtful reservation. 

Although the cold stare on Lexa’s face made her appear to be cruel and disaffected, the gentleness and clarity in her eyes gave away everything. Even in black and white, there was something hidden behind the hardness in her features that bled through the page and gave Clarke a perplexing feeling in her abdomen. 

Clarke had paused her movements, her mouth hanging open slightly and her breathing slowly became ragged. She felt her face become warm and Clarke couldn’t ignore the incessant ache between her thighs. 

“What are you doing to me?” She murmured softly, her voice getting caught in the back of her throat. 

Clarke had paused her movements, her mouth hanging open slightly and her breathing slowly became ragged. She felt her face become warm and Clarke couldn’t ignore the incessant ache between her thighs. 

The sound of the door behind her opening made Clarke’s widen comically and she instinctively slammed the cover of her sketchbook shut. A familiar voice was already calling out before she had any time to react so Clarke remained rooted in her spot with a blush on her cheeks and an unwanted throbbing in her core. 

“Pub night!” Raven’s voice rang through the vacant room in a singsong tone. 

From her spot by her desk with her back facing towards the door Clarke tried to mask her embarrassment with a sardonic response, “Ever heard of knocking?” 

The door clicked shut and was followed by shuffling feet, a chuckle coming from the front of the room.

“Was I interrupting something Griffin?” The girl asked cheekily. 

“N-no, I was just drawing… but you ruined the mood.” Clarke said nonchalantly, darting her eyes around her desk.

“I ruined the _mood_? Please tell me I didn't interrupt you getting off.” There was a hint of amusement in Raven’s tone.

Clarke scoffed a little too eagerly, pushing back her chair and turned around to look at her, “Of course not, you’re ridiculous.” 

Raven was standing in the middle of the room when she saw the look on the blonde’s face. An incredulously amused look spread across her face and she extended her head towards Clarke to try and get a better look. Her eyes narrowed and her mouth twitched upwards a sly smirk crept onto her lips.

“Oh my god, you were totally getting off weren’t you?” Raven took quick steps towards her and her smirk shifted into a full-on grin. 

There was no truth to her statement but the look Raven was giving her made her already reddened face grow warmer. It wasn’t like Clarke was _actually_ doing anything but she felt the dull ache from earlier linger and it just made her more restless. 

She brought her palm to her face, and was mortified at how hot her face was and exhaled exasperatedly, “Fuck off Raven, don’t you have midterms to study for?” 

The dark haired girl clutched her stomach and spoke through laughter, “Don't worry about me, you already forget that I'm a genius?”  

Clarke rolled her eyes and looked at her pointedly, “Oh sorry, I just thought you were an asshole.” 

Raven ignored her and spoke with too much enthusiasm, “You better not be drawing porn, that’ll just make me laugh even harder.” 

Clarke avoided her gaze, her temperature returning back to normal, “I’m not, Jesus Christ, so let’s please just drop it?” 

“Fine, fine but hey, no judgment Griffin. I haven’t gotten laid in months and let me tell you, I have the female equivalent of blue balls so I totally get it.” The tanned girl sat down on Clarke’s bed, keeping her hands at her sides and continued to sneer at the blonde. 

She swivelled her chair around so that she was facing Raven and gave her an unimpressed stare while tilting her head and narrowing her eyes. 

“Where’s Octavia anyway?” She asked and nodded her head towards the cluttered side of the room. 

“She’s been sleeping over at Lincoln's every day this week. It’s just me here.” 

Clarke tuned out the other girl’s rambling and got up from the chair and climbed onto the bed with all fours, reaching for her phone. She leaned her back onto the wall behind her and sat with her legs crossed, and brought the phone to eye level. 

 

**(1) New Message:**

 

 **Unknown:** Hello Clark

 

“I don’t blame her, he’s a fine piece of ass,” Raven smirked and continued, “Which is why we’re going to go to the bar and try to get laid. Sound good?" 

Her eyes bulged when she clicked her lock screen to see a message she received from an unknown number. It couldn’t have been anyone else that she knew; Clarke only had numbers of people she talked to.

Her pulse raced and her palms started to sweat around the grip of her phone, she gripped it tighter making sure it didn’t slip out of grasp. It only could’ve been one person and Clarke forgot that she wasn’t alone, unable to hear Raven’s voice over the pounding in her chest. 

She began typing out a reply to the unknown number with slow swipes on her keyboard and hid the grin that started to form on her lips. 

 

 **Me:** It’s Clarke

 

Raven noticed that the blonde’s mind was somewhere else and she spoke louder until she saw Clarke’s eyes flicker from her phone up to hers. 

“Dude did you hear a word I just said?” Raven’s voice came out with a slight hint of annoyance, growing impatient at the lack of a response. 

“I zoned out there, sorry. I was just… texting my mom back.” She replied trying to hide the elation in her voice. 

“I said let’s go to The Ab, just the two of us.” Raven repeated, and Clarke felt her stomach drop after she felt the phone buzz in her hand.

“Pick up some chicks or dicks, whatever floats your boat.” She said flatly.

Clarke brought her gaze down to the device in her hands mumbling a, “Yeah sure, sounds good,” before checking her message.

 

 **Unknown:** I said that

 

The sides of her mouth twitched upwards and she felt that same fluttery feeling in her stomach when she typed out a quicker reply.

 

 **Me** : it’s Clarke with an e

 

“So what’s your preference?” Raven took note of the source of her friend’s distraction and raised her voice a little. 

This time Clarke smirked, looking down at her phone before glancing up and turning to look at her, “You’re being a real pain in the ass, you know that?" 

Another vibration. 

“You love it, but you didn’t answer the question.” She challenged. 

Ignoring the girl yet again, Clarke felt lightness in her chest as she read the text.

 

 **Unknown:** Alright Clarke. This is Lexa

 

She bit her lip and laughed softly through her nose, a coy smile accompanied the soft features on her face. Clarke still clearly remembers the way her tongue clicked whenever she said her name and it sent a shiver down her spine.

 

 **Me** : I know

 

Quickly sending out her response, Clarke set down her phone on her lap and exhaled loudly placing her hands on her thighs before meeting Raven's eyes. 

Clarke groaned, “Let’s just go get some damn drinks.”

 

\----

 

The route to The Ab had become all too familiar to Clarke. It’s technically a coffee shop and a bar so she would go early in the afternoon to study most days. She settles with the idea that it’s the ambiance that intrigues her more than the musty odor. 

It was almost eight and so far Raven and Clarke were about 2 and a half pitchers in. That seemed to be enough for them to forget all about the shots of spiced rum they downed at the beginning of the night. 

Their stomachs were filled with the heaviness of Blue Ribbon and their eyes were already glazing over. Clarke didn’t know about Raven but she had her beer goggles on and _whoa those are some nice arms._ She tried to ignore the way the dark haired girl’s biceps tensed impressively, but seemed to forget that staring was impolite. 

It was Thursday so the place was pretty crowded, but they managed to grab a table for two at the back of the bar. Everyone’s tables were covered with everything from spilled drinks to pints and even to broken glass. It wasn’t anything unusual for the weekly pub night. 

Clarke had been exchanging a few short and to-the-point texts with Lexa, which felt kind of awkward but not forced. It was different, but it was _something_. Clarke is usually a drunk dialler but thankfully she managed to be preoccupied enough to forget about her phone entirely. 

“We’ve been here an hour and no one has picked me up,” Raven whined and hiccupped between words. 

Clarke’s head was spinning just a bit but she still had her bearings for the most part. There was weightlessness in her upper body and she couldn’t really feel anything, that was her favourite thing about drinking.

“I can pick you up, I’m strong.” The blonde stumbled over her words and leaned back on her chair, flexing her arms with hooded eyes and a lazy smile. 

“N-no Griffin I need to get laid, I’m _so_ horny and everything _sucks_.” The tanned girl slurred, her eyes started to shine in the light.

“Please don’t start crying Raven…” Clarke’s pushed her eyebrows together in concern, her voice sobered slightly after she saw Raven’s demeanour shift into one resembling misery. 

“It’s just- Octavia’s so happy and I want that, you know?” The dark haired girl’s voice sounded more put together this time and Clarke nodded.

She grabbed Raven’s hand from across the table and clasped it with hers, rubbing her thumb on the back of her hand comfortingly. Her vision was foggy and off-center but Clarke tried to maintain eye contact and softened her gaze with a reassuring smile. 

“I want it too, believe me,” Blue eyes moved away and glanced over at the crowd hovering around the dart boards, “So much.” 

Clarke felt the warm hand in her grip loosen until it moved away completely and she immediately missed the contact. She could see Raven attempt a smile as the girl moved her eyes towards the ground, exhaling wearily under the veil of loud music and even louder voices. 

It seemed like an ideal time to check her phone, so Clarke tried to regain some composure, avoiding Raven’s disheartening facial expression. She went straight to her recent messages between her and Lexa; the last text she responded to was a couple of hours ago.

 

 **Me:** my friend raven and i are going to the absinthe tonight, would you like to join us?

 **Lexa** : I have readings.

 **Me:** okay no worries, maybe next time

She was disappointed Lexa couldn’t make it but the fact alone that the girl actually texted her back lifted her spirits. 

“I’m going to go grab a whisky and coke, want anything?” Clarke heard Raven’s faint voice over the noise and moved her eyes from the screen to her. 

She had to raise her voice considerably over the volume of the room, “Do you mind if I run to the bathroom first? One of us should stay at the table.” 

Raven pursed her lips but didn’t protest and gestured her hand towards the front, “Go ahead, but hurry up I need more alcohol in me.” She huffed. 

Unaware of how close she brought her face to Raven’s, Clarke all but yelled, “Don’t worry I won’t be long.” She winked and elicited a giggle from the girl. 

Clarke slid out of her chair and stood up, she was caught off guard by how lightheaded she felt but managed to walk around the overcrowded tables and masses of bodies unscathed. Her body felt numb and it made her feel like she was gliding. She found everything happening around her humorous for whatever reason, a stupid giddy smile plastered on her face. 

She was almost out the door when she shoulder checked someone in the back, if it weren’t for them turning around she wouldn’t have noticed. After mumbling an unintelligible apology she slipped out into the hallway and embraced the quietness that surrounded her. 

The corridor seemed to be fairly empty, with the exception of some students walking past her coming from the smoking area reeking of stale cigarettes. Instead of scrunching her nose in disgust at the stench, Clarke closed her eyes and took a deep breath and saw a familiar face flash behind hooded lids. 

It didn’t seem to occur to her that she was standing by herself in the middle of the hall, swaying in place with her eyes closed and sporting a dopey grin. If Raven had the pleasure of witnessing this, she was sure she'd never hear the end of it. 

The alcohol in her system made her lose track of time, but she remembered the amount she consumed and how badly she needed to break the seal. 

Her feet moved towards the women’s bathroom sign, the dizziness kicked in and her steps became wobbly. She stuck her hand out to push the door open, but instead Clarke’s arm bent inwards the wrong way causing her to stumble and hit the door with the side of her face. 

“Fucking hell.” Clarke drawled out and rubbed her face, cursing at the instability of her movements. Turning her head around, she was relieved to see that no one else was around to see that play out. She recovered from her brief embarrassment and cradled her face in her hands, keeping the other hand outstretched on her side for balance. 

Pushing the door open with her free hand, she heard nothing but silence after stepping inside. The washroom was relatively small, and had only a couple of stalls. The door closed behind her and she trudged over to the mirrors, ignoring the uncomfortable push on her bladder. She narrowed her eyes and tried to focus her blurred vision above the sink in effort to assess the damage. 

She gripped the side of the sink bowl with one hand to steady uneven footing and glanced at the reflection staring back. Clarke’s hair was surprisingly still in place, but her eyes were practically half shut, and _wow_ her face was incredibly blurry. 

Clarke brought her other hand to her cheek and turned her head so that she could take a closer look at her face. There was a noticeable rosiness near her cheekbones, and she winced when she touched the sensitive area. 

“Fu-“ 

Clarke was cut off by the sound of somebody retching violently into the toilet. A few seconds passed and it became really quiet, she was beginning to think she imagined it. The blonde was taken aback by the abrupt but momentary noise, thinking she was alone. She turned around to face the stalls and slowed her breathing to listen intently while still gripping the sink. 

A few seconds later the same sound came from the back of the washroom, and the sound alone made Clarke feel nauseous in the pit of her stomach. Something pushed her to move one foot in front of the other until she was looking down at the row of stalls; all of the doors were ajar. Her vision was noticeably blurred but she tried to focus and was able to make out the legs of a figure that was kneeling by a toilet.

The sounds of muffled hurling continued, and Clarke was too out of it to go to the bathroom when someone was throwing up a few stalls over. Pushing down the feeling of uncertainty, she decided to check up on them and to make sure they were all right; it was the least she could do. If it were her in that position, Clarke would definitely appreciate if someone was kind enough to see if she was doing okay.

She didn’t want to scare them by sneaking up quietly so Clarke shuffled her feet loudly until she was standing outside the last stall. The door was left open and all that she could see was the back of a girl’s head as it hung into the toilet bowl. 

Clarke’s eyes were still really foggy but she tried to sober up before pushing the stall door slowly, revealing the crumpled figure inside. She was wearing a blue plaid button up with faded jeans and joggers, and she held her hair back with one hand. Her body was folded and leaned inwards, hugging the toilet bowl, the position looked really uncomfortable. 

Her spatial awareness was extremely lacking and the alcohol gave the blonde enough courage to lean down to the girl’s level and place a hand on her lower back. Clarke was surprised that there wasn’t any reaction to her touch, and started rubbing her back in a circular motion. 

“You’ll be okay.” She didn’t realize how raspy her voice sounded until she heard herself speak. 

The girl still remained still with her head drooping into the toilet bowl, unmoving. Clarke started to get increasingly nauseated by the smell and reached her arm out far enough to flush the toilet.

The sound of the flush startled the girl and she flinched under the hand that Clarke had on her back.

Clarke felt the muscles underneath her hand tense, “Hey, relax.” She tried with a clearer voice.  

The blonde moved her hand off the girl’s back and pulled a long piece toilet paper off the dispenser roll. The girl had moved her head higher and spat into the basin below her. 

She couldn’t make out the profile of the figure, her vision was still unreliable and everything looked fuzzy. Clarke bunched up the toilet paper and moved so that she was closer, handing it to the free hand of the kneeling figure. 

Her hand stretched out and trembled slightly in the air, waiting for the girl to take it, “Let me help.” 

A hand snatched the paper in a quick motion and brought it up to her face, wiping the sides of her mouth. The girl then threw it into the toilet and her body started to move upwards, her legs shook as she tried to find her balance. She used the toilet seat to give her support to stand, but Clarke could see that the girl was struggling with balance as well. 

“I don’t need your help.” The voice sounded husky and came out harsh. She scowled at the girl's abrasiveness. 

Clarke took the movement as a cue to get up and struggled to find momentum to push herself up, the air rushing straight to her head. She stumbled on the way up and tried to balance herself mentally and physically before slowly backing away out of the stall with shaky steps. She didn’t have time to react before the figure turned around and- 

 

 _Holy shit._

 

“Lexa?” Her eyes grew large and she stood dumbstruck with a look of disbelief. Clarke definitely felt a lot more sober and her mouth was hanging open, speechless. 

It seemed like Lexa was just as caught off guard about who she was standing face-to-face with. Her eyes widened almost mimicking Clarke’s expression, her mouth opened and closed, but said nothing. The look quickly shifted from surprise to confusion and then finally to what Clarke was familiar with, hostility.

“Clarke.” Her voice came out biting and she exaggerated the end of Clarke’s name with tight lips.

Her back was curved and her shoulders slumped carelessly, a change from the usual immaculate posture and grace she usually displayed.

“Wha-what are you doing here?” The blonde stuttered and kept her limp arms by her sides.

Lexa’s jaw visibly clenched and the icy stare she was giving Clarke heightened her trepidation, and it started to make her palms clammy. 

The girl’s eyes weren’t gleaming like Clarke remembered and were rather dull and enigmatic. Her irises lacked her natural jade lustre and looked grey and monochromatic.

Lexa's eyes narrowed, “I don't need to justify myself to you.” She slurred bitterly and maintained eye contact until she appeared right in front of Clarke. 

Clarke’s body froze under her gaze and she felt her breath hitch in her throat at Lexa’s close proximity. The girl staggered into Clarke’s side when she tried to move away. She released a breath when she felt her shoulder being bumped into and stood motionless as Lexa walked in the other direction.  

The brunette broke eye contact after turning around the corner and walked away from the row of stalls. Her feet dragged along the floor and Clarke was quick to follow with precarious steps, walking towards the sinks. 

“You just puked out all your stomach's contents.” Clarke said bluntly, as she shuffled over to to see Lexa running her hands under the faucet. 

The brunette ignored the comment and wiped her face with her wet hands, swishing water in her mouth before spitting it out. She kept her head down and continued to run water over her hands, “What is your point Clarke?” 

It was spoken as a rhetorical question but it only flickered a burn behind Clarke’s eyelids. She barely knew Lexa and it wasn't fair to act like she did. Yet here she was doing what she promised herself she wouldn't do.

“You've been drinking.” Her voice came out meek and concerned, and she kept her gaze levelled with the girl’s reflection. 

Lexa’s hand moved to turn off the faucet and there was tangible tension that hung in the air between them. Clarke waited for the girl to say something but she stayed in her spot and was met with silence, unaware of her body still swaying slightly. 

The stillness of the room was interrupted by a scoff and then hoarse laughter coming from Lexa, “I don’t drink _enough._ ” She moved from the sink and spun around to the paper towel dispenser, her back facing Clarke. She ignored the comment and stayed quiet as she dried her hands.

“You have a problem Lexa.” Clarke’s said indignantly, her voice assertive. 

A few moments after Clarke spoke, there was a loud slam from where Lexa stood. The blonde flinched when she heard the sudden outburst echo off the walls and cowered at the sound. It rang in her ears and she felt her blood run cold after she witnessed Lexa strike the front of the dispenser with her fist, causing it to crack the plastic down the middle. 

“The only problem I _have_ is being around you.” Her apathetic words cut through Clarke like a knife and it felt like she just got punched in the throat. 

Her eyes welled up with tears but she blinked them away and swallowed hard, “You don’t mean that.” Her voice was throaty and strained, barely audible. She watched as Lexa’s arm dangled at her side limply and noticed the blood trickling down her knuckles, dripping off of her fingertips and onto the floor.

The brunette’s hands clenched into fists and started to vibrate. Clarke looked in the mirror and saw Lexa shut her eyes with a clenched jaw.

Her eyes opened darkly, “Get out.” She snarled. 

Clarke took tentative steps towards her and offered a hesitant hand out before retracting it back a bit, leaving it hanging in the air. 

“Lexa you’re bleeding.” The blonde pleaded faintly and decided to keep her distance, and stood a few feet away. 

That made Lexa turn her entire body around to look right at her with a scornful glare. She replied sharply, “Tell me something I don’t know Clarke.” 

Clarke held the intense stare with brilliant green eyes and took another careful step towards the figure without breaking eye contact, “You don’t want me to leave.” Her voice was steady as she observed Lexa’s facial reaction.

“Do you?" She challenged. 

For a split second what Clarke thought she saw flash through her eyes was genuine _fear_. Her eyes widened, panicked, and then she parted her lips before pursing them.

There was a small distance between them and Clarke didn’t register Lexa’s movement until she felt her breath on her lips. Her face was only a couple of inches away from hers and Clarke could practically taste the alcohol on her palate. Lexa's pale green eyes flickered down to her lips and then back to her eyes, and it didn't go unnoticed. Her pupils were blown wide open and Clarke found herself memorizing the speckles of amber in her irises.

In a quick motion, she felt the collar of her shirt being pulled forcefully towards Lexa by her stainless hand. She held her breath and winced at Lexa’s shaky breathing on her face. The way Clarke’s heart pounded in her chest made her feel the throb of her pulse in her temples.

“You don’t know anything about what I want.” She hissed, baring her teeth angrily.

Clarke didn’t struggle against Lexa’s grip; she just returned the stare and released the breath she held.

Without much thought, She darted her tongue across her lips while holding her stare and exhaled cautiously. Clarke lowered her voice and spoke above a whisper, “Then tell me.”

She felt the clutch around her collar loosen until Lexa released her grip completely. Clarke watched as the girl’s face deflated and she felt the heaviness of uncertainty press on her chest when Lexa turned her back to her.

The brunette remained wordless and quietly walked over to the sink and turned the water on. Clarke watched in silence as Lexa warily rubbed the bloodied hand, examining the streaks of red that washed away and flowed into the drain.

While she was cleaning her injury, Clarke found herself backing up until she was leaning up against the wall behind her. She still struggled for balance and steadied herself by resting her weight on the hard surface. Nervously fidgeting with her clasped hands, she tore her eyes away from Lexa and took deep breaths.

The water stopped running and the blonde brought her gaze back to Lexa, who was leaning on the sink with both of her hands. She hung her head down and Clarke couldn’t see her face in the reflection. 

 

 _Look at me._  

 

“Lexa.” 

Hearing her name, Lexa lifted her head up and turned her body around so that she was partially sitting on the fixture. She didn’t respond but instead met Clarke's eyes with a mystifying expression on the opposite side of the room. Her hands gripped the sink at her sides tightly, and Clarke saw a long gash across her pale knuckles. 

The blonde saw fragility hidden in her features and her chest constricted as Lexa looked at her with parted lips and glassy eyes.

Clarke’s voice was small and her voice cracked, “Say something, please _._ ”

It all happened so quickly that Clarke wasn’t even able to take in a shaky breath before Lexa practically ran towards her and pressed her body flush against hers. The kiss was desperate and their bodies clung together, grabbing each other with no reservation. 

Her hips were pushed into the hard surface behind her and she felt Lexa’s fingers dig into them aggressively. Clarke felt her knees go weak when she felt Lexa’s thigh slip in between both of hers and it felt like she was on the verge of collapsing. Lexa kept her upper body upright with her arms and put her weight on Clarke, leaving no room for her to move.

She felt her bottom lip being bitten onto roughly and Lexa brought her hand behind her neck, tangling her slender fingers in blonde waves. Clarke snaked her tongue into Lexa's mouth with ease and saw technicolor when she felt hers. She couldn’t suppress the guttural moan she let out into Lexa’s mouth when the brunette sucked on her tongue. 

Clarke couldn’t move since Lexa pretty much had her pinned up against the wall and she writhed under her touch. She felt a rising burn in the pit of her abdomen and she dug her fingers just below Lexa’s shoulders and dragged her nails down the slope of her back.

Their movements were sloppy and relentless, there was nothing gentle about how their lips pushed against each other’s hungrily. They grabbed at each other with eagerness and their mouths melded together in an unpracticed unison. 

It was far too hasty but Clarke allowed herself to be consumed by the warmth from the alcohol and decided to let her body react naturally. She grabbed a handful of Lexa’s sweatshirt, bunching it into her fist. There was absolutely no space left between them but it still didn't feel close enough.

Neither of them paused for a breath, and instead panted into each other’s mouths when they could. She ran her tongue across the taller girl's bottom lip and felt the blood rush to her head when Lexa whimpered in her mouth. 

The hand in Clarke’s hair moved so quickly until it was resting on the side of her face. She felt a stinging pain on her cheek but it slowly subsided when she felt a thumb softly grazing the tender spot.

Clarke brought her hand from behind Lexa’s back and rested it on her cheek, cradling the side of her face. She was about to bring her other hand to cup Lexa's face when in a swift motion, she pushed herself off. Clarke was left gasping for air with her eyes fluttering open and immediately missed the feeling of a warm body on hers.

She opened her eyes and didn’t bother trying to cover up how completely out of breath she was. Clarke’s eyes found Lexa's and saw a similar look of bewilderment on her face. She saw her red-faced, eye’s bulging, and Clarke knew she didn't look any different.

Clarke licked her lips and blinked away quickly when she caught herself staring. She was ridiculously turned on and she spared a glance in the mirror at herself and had to look away. Her eyes were dark and hooded, almost animalistic, and Clarke couldn’t recognize the person she saw in her reflection.

Lexa was standing a few feet away from Clarke in the middle of the room, mouth hanging open and her chest heaving up and down silently. The expression on her face was one of absolute terror and Clarke grimaced at the way Lexa’s hands visibly trembled. 

She wanted to say something, anything. There was no way Clarke would let Lexa downplay what just happened between them. The words got caught in her throat and she found it difficult to get air in her lungs.

“This was a mistake,” the brunette said in a flat tone and Clarke watched as the realization of her actions spread across Lexa’s face, “I-I’m sorry.” 

 _No it wasn't stop lying to yourself_ , but her mouth didn't move.

Clarke inhaled deeply and took a step towards Lexa, softening her eyes, “It doesn’t have to be a mistake if you don’t want it to be.”

She saw how Lexa nervously avoided her gaze and swallowed hard, “I had too much to drink...that-this was completely inappropriate.”

The blonde took another step towards her and tried to reach her hand over, “Hey-“

Clarke got close enough to lightly graze her fingers over the back of Lexa’s hand but she abruptly pulled it back as if she got burned by the contact. 

“No, I can’t do this… I-I have to go.” She said nervously. With a look of dread in her eyes, she stared at Clarke's pained expression before turning away.

“Lexa wait!” Clarke voice broke as she pleaded. She saw her back towards her walking towards the bathroom door and followed Lexa with her eyes. 

Before Clarke had a chance to say anything more, the door shut with after a beat and the only thing she could hear was the pounding in her ribcage. She was left with nothing but her scattered thoughts and a sense of hopelessness.

“Did that just..." She trailed off. Her mouth parted slightly and she brought her fingertips to her lips. 

More than the initial confusion she felt at what unfolded between her and Lexa, Clarke couldn’t shake off the ache that lingered in her gut. She convinced herself that the numbness was just the alcohol and _not_  when Lexa stopped touching her.

Her thoughts kept on drifting to how possessively Lexa gripped her hips and it made her stomach flip and her mouth dry. Lexa’s lips were so soft and inviting and the way she moaned in her mouth gave her whiplash.

One drunk bathroom make out session later, Clarke _knew_ she was undeniably and irrevocably fucked.

With a puzzled look engraved on her face, she felt an uncomfortable pressure on her bladder and remembered she didn’t even go.

After alleviating herself, Clarke walked out of the stall and moved towards the sink when her eyes caught a flash of white on the ground. She slowed her steps when she saw what looked like a white card lying just below one of the bathroom sinks. Curious, Clarke shuffled over and bent down to pick up the discarded object.

It resembled Clarke’s dorm room keycard and she examined the bottom right corner, which read _Grey, Lexa_ in bold letters followed by a barcode. 

"One mindfuck after another." She sighed and shook her head, a ghost of a smile played on her lips. 

She slid the card into the back pocket of her jeans when the door of the bathroom slammed open loudly. Clarke’s head immediately snapped towards the sound. A part of her had a hope that Lexa came back and her heart dropped.

“Clarke I swear to God you better be getting laid or I’m going to kick your ass.” The blonde heard Raven’s disgruntled voice bellow and she winced, beginning to think of an excuse for her lengthy absence. 

Uneasiness settled in Clarke’s midsection when she came into view of Raven who looked _very_ pissed off. She quickly washed her hands and ignored the creaking noise coming from the battered paper towel dispenser. Clarke let out a steady breath and made an effort to calm her nerves quickly.

The dark haired girl’s arms were crossed as she looked at Clarke expectantly with her eyebrows raised, “Shit Raven I’m so sorry, I um- things got a little messy,” She tripped over her words and genuinely felt awful, “I really wasn’t expecting to be in here for as long as I was.” 

Raven remained quiet and simply looked Clarke up and down with a hard expression, “We lost our table but whatever, I was done anyway.”

Clarke was about to try another feeble attempt at an apology when Raven cut her off, “Don’t lie to me, d'you hook up with someone or what?”

The blonde knew that Raven could see right through her most of the time. They only just became friends recently and she could read the blonde like an open book. Clarke really hated that about her. It was extremely irritating yet it made her chest warm at the same time.

She exhaled a tense breath and stared back with a straight face, biting her lips, “I might’ve made out with someone... by accident.” It came out hurried and Clarke waited for a characteristic response. 

Raven’s facial expression turned from one of aggravation to amusement and her face lit up at her friend’s admission.

“I was just screwing with you but oh my god, actually?” The shorter girl let out a snort with wide eyes and chuckled, “You’re a lot better at this than I am, clearly.”

“Yeah I don’t know, it just sort of happened.” Clarke said vaguely and was careful not to give away too much, avoiding her inquisitive stare.

The curious girl uncrossed her arms from her spot and Clarke saw Raven narrow her eyes.

“And why do you have a bruise on your face? Please tell me you haven’t joined some all-girls fight club.” Raven said sarcastically.

"I mean that would be hot and everything but girls who like it rough  _wil_ _l_ fuck you up." She added.

At that, Clarke bit her lip and hid the look of embarrassment on her face, “I fell on the door…with my face.”

Raven brought her hand to her face and shook her head, "I’m not even going to ask,” If she found it amusing she didn’t let it show and crossed her arms again, “But more importantly, who was your make out buddy?"

Clarke panicked and wracked her brain for a quick fix, “W-well, I didn’t see a face but I assumed it was a girl, you know soft lips, long hair.” 

“How do you not know if you were swapping spit with a guy or a girl?” Raven questioned suspiciously.

She felt her nerves pick up once more and Clarke cleared her throat, “Raven I think you’ve already forgotten how much we drank.”

Deciding she had a decent alibi going, Clarke shifted her eyes away and went on to solidify her explanation, “Your face is still blurry so I think that’s reason enough.” 

The dark haired girl laughed lightly and Clarke moved her eyes to see her looking to the side appearing slightly distant.

“Maybe I should try the whole girl on girl thing, what do you think?” Her curious eyes burned into Clarke’s and she felt the awkwardness weigh in the air.

Sliding both of her hands into her back pockets, Clarke fiddled with the keycard and smirked at Raven, “I don't think I'll ever be drunk enough for that.”

Raven laughed out loud and moved so that she was leaning on the nearest wall with her shoulder, “You wish Griffin. But seriously, how does it compare?”

That made Clarke’s hands sweat and she zoned out as she recalled the feeling of Lexa tugging her lip between her teeth. She felt her mouth go dry and she licked her lips subconsciously at the image in her head of Lexa red-faced and out of breath.

 The corner of her mouth twitched upwards. “Honestly? It’s fucking _incredible_ and I wish I did it sooner.” Clarke replied calmly. 

The shorter girl’s eyebrows raised and she grinned at Clarke with a smug expression, “Sounds like the lucky lady left quite the memory, huh?”

Clarke felt her face heat up and she scoffed defensively, “Whatever, not like I’ll ever see her again anyway.” 

A lie.

There was absolutely no way that Lexa could go very far without her dorm room keycard and Clarke knew she had a way in.

“Can we just get out of this bathroom?” Clarke added and started walking towards the door, “I’ve spent an unusual amount of time in here.”

“After you blondie.” Raven’s voice came out slightly high pitched and it made Clarke rethink her own sobriety.

She heard Raven’s footsteps trailing behind and she slid out her phone from her jackepocket. Clarke brought up the conversation between her and Lexa, her fingers slowly tapped on the screen.

 

 **Me** : we need to meet

 

Pushing the door open and walking into the empty hallway outside, Clarke stopped and sent out one last text before falling into step with Raven.

**Me** : and you have no choice

 

“I’ll walk you to your room then I’ll head back too,” Clarke exaggerated a fake yawn and closed her eyes briefly, “I need to sleep off this weird haze.”

They stepped outside of a set of doors and felt the cool air hit their faces. It was dark outside except for the street lights illuminating the main pathways.

"Sounds good princess." The girl replied brightly.

Raven was a few paces ahead of Clarke with her arms lifted up above her head and her chin raised towards the sky, “I feel so great, my body is _so_ mellow right now.” 

Clarke laughed to herself and dug her hands deeper into her jacket pockets, “ To be honest, I’m impressed you haven’t thrown up yet considering how much alcohol’s in that tiny body of yours.”

The dark haired girl stopped a few feet in front of her; she brought her hands back down to her sides and turned around. 

“Who you callin’ tiny? Raven Reyes can outdrink you any day,” She sounded offended and it only made Clarke more amused, “I’m no lightweight you pric-“ 

Her rambling was short lived when all of a sudden, a spew of projectile vomit shot out of her mouth and splashed onto the concrete in front of her.

Seeing this, Clarke couldn’t suppress the roar of laughter that bubbled from her throat. The hilarity of Clarke's entire night hit her all at once and she couldn't help as she doubled over. She bent over and had her hands on her knees to help steady herself, her laughing soon turned into wheezing. 

“Oh my god,” She wiped the tears that built up in the corner of her eyes as the laughter subsided, “You were totally asking for that.”

She stood back up and saw Raven bending over a patch of grass with a look of disgust, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

With her head hung low she mumbled, “I’m bringing Octavia next time,” Raven used one hand to keep the hair out her face and spat before making eye contact with Clarke, “I hate you.”

The blonde felt a vibrate come from her pocket, the abruptness made Clarke jerk involuntarily in her stance. She took out her phone and squinted a bit at the brightness of the screen, reading the message.

 

**(1) New Message:**

 

 **Lexa** : Come to my building

She felt another buzz in her hand.

 

 **Lexa:** Clarence

 

Then another.

 

 **Lexa** : I will be outside.

 

Without bothering to send out a reply, Clarke quickly tucked her phone and walked up to Raven until she was beside her.

“Let’s get you back, now come on.” She stated impatiently and started walking ahead with hurried steps, not checking to see if the dark haired girl was in tow.

Clarke heard a groan from behind her but she continued her strides, “Stop walking so fast,” sounds of feet shuffling lazily on the ground echoed in the air, “I just puked out my insides.”

She couldn’t exactly tell Raven what her real plans were afterwards, and the longer she took the more anxious Clarke felt. 

Trying to maintain a relatively calm composure, Clarke exhaled and then turned around, and began to walk towards Raven. The girl’s face contorted into a look of confusion and she paused her movements. 

“If you’re planning to try and make out with me, I _am_ going to punch you in the face.” She warned.

Clarke was standing a foot away from Raven, and then she turned around and slowly lowered herself before crouching down in front of her.

“Get on and shut up,” Her voice came out blunt and demanding.

The dark haired girl snickered, “You’re not serious.”

“Raven, hop the fuck on right now.” Clarke said with a dangerously low voice.

She heard a sigh from behind and then Clarke felt hands grip her shoulders and thighs squeezing her sides. 

“If I hurl I’m not going to apologize.” She heard a smile in Raven’s voice as she stood up slowly and grabbed the girl’s calves with a firm hold.

"You smell gnarly, by the way." Clarke ignored the way Raven unintentionally pressed on her throat with her interlocked arms, “You owe me big time, smalls.”

"You're in no position to talk shit, your hair looks awfully clean it'd be a shame if-"

Clarke didn't let her finish before she interrupted, "Just thank me and shut up."

"Save the aggression for the next girl you make out with you spaz," She felt Raven rub the top of her head affectionately with her knuckles, "Thanks Griffin."

Raven rested her chin on the top of Clarke’s head and the innocent gesture made her smile. If she was being honest, it already felt like Raven was one of her best friends even though their friendship was still fairly new. But she kept that to herself, Clarke knew she wouldn’t hear the end of it if she ever told her that.  

It was pretty ridiculous, really, how the universe managed to work in such a way. Clarke couldn’t understand how Lexa left a trace of her existence everywhere she went. But at the same time, she knew this meant something and she wasn't about to let go of whatever "this" was.

The series of events they’ve gone through has been uncanny and it makes her chest clench whenever green eyes flash burned behind her eyelids. She was playing scenarios in her head as to how their meeting would go, and it only made the weird feeling in her stomach worsen.

Lexa was the one who pushed her up against a wall and stuck her tongue in Clarke’s mouth. Not that she was complaining _at all_ but it just made everything excruciatingly more confusing and left Clarke with an aching sexual frustration.  

The feeling didn’t escape her mind once since it happened that night, it seemed like a drunken haze but only it wasn’t. She refused to believe the way Lexa touched her with such a delicate tenderness was simply an alcohol-fuelled impulse.

It was obvious that there was some underlying tension before but she never imagined that Lexa would be the one to do something first. There were too many questions clouding her thoughts and Clarke really needed to figure out what the hell was going on. 

She managed to find her balance and held Raven up with a strong grasp, taking slow but measured steps.

“Onwards trusty steed.” Raven spoke dully.

 

_It’s going to be okay._

 

_Right?_

 

The blonde inhaled deeply through her nose and released a slow breath from her lips, whispering to herself, “Right.”


	5. nicest thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the wait, life really gets in the way! I only post when I'm really happy with what I've written. Enjoy.  
> The song is by Kate Nash.
> 
>  
> 
> alyciadebs.tumblr.com

Clarke watched as Raven’s fingers struggled with her zipper and fumbled with it carelessly. It was almost like watching a child try to tie their shoelaces, but only ten times funnier. 

The room was dark but the lamp beside the bed lit the room just barely enough to see the motionless figure on the bed. She had to physically drop the immobile girl onto her bed because Raven got way too comfortable and refused to get off. Clarke thought of the aftermath to come and she left a bottle of water along with a bottle of Advil she picked up on the way. 

There may have been some struggle on Raven’s part and a lot of choking from gripping her arms way too hard around her neck. Clarke almost wanted to drop her straight on the floor just to see her reaction. _Almost,_ but she wasn’t that cruel. 

Raven was lying on her back with her feet dangling off of the edge of the bed. She faced the ceiling of her room and to Clarke, it looked like she didn’t even have the energy to lift up the weight of her own head. 

“I’m not sober enough for this.” The shorter girl muttered dejectedly before exaggerating a loud yawn. 

She knew trying to help the smaller girl change into more comfortable clothing would only result in a bruised ego and probably a busted lip. So Clarke decided to maintain a safe distance and watched from the doorway with her hands in her pockets, her lips twitching upwards occasionally. 

“Is that why you want to get laid Reyes? You need someone to take your pants off for you?” Clarke smirked from her place. 

Raven remained unmoving on the bed; her body looking like nothing but dead weight. She kept on staring at the ceiling and finally replied in a monotonous tone, “Fight me.” 

That elicited a snort from Clarke. “I’d hardly call it fair when you’re barely conscious.” 

“You know what? You’re shit talking has earned yourself a round with me in the ring Griffin,” Raven spoke after a few seconds with more bite her voice. “Prepare to eat shit.” 

With a laugh, Clarke replied mockingly, “If you remember that in the morning you have yourself a deal.” 

From the front of the room with her shoulder leaned up against the doorframe, she watched as Raven stretched her arms behind her head. Even stretching her body looked like it took more effort than it should. 

“Are you sure you don’t need any help? I mean I already carried you all the way up here.” Clarke tried. She masked the worry in her voice with a small chuckle. 

The dark haired girl moved her hands from above her head and stretched them outwards on her sides; her hooded eyelids drooping lower. 

“You don’t owe me anything,” She sighed. “Stop being so polite it might make me throw up again.” 

The blonde smiled shyly and shook her head with a roll of her eyes, “Dick.” 

Raven used her forearms to push herself up and shifted herself backwards until her head dropped onto the pillow, “This isn’t the first time I’ve been drunk princess. I know the drill.” 

“Just drink the rest of that water and try to sleep on your side, okay?” Clarke asked lightly. 

When she didn’t hear a response, she huffed with a tinge of annoyance and started walking towards the side of the bed, “Life would be a lot easier if you weren’t so difficult, you know.” 

She walked close enough to see Raven’s eyes closed shut, her arms outstretched on both sides. The faint sound of quiet breathing came from the girl’s parted lips and Clarke exhaled gently. 

“You’ll thank me later.” She whispered into the quietness. 

With one hand, Clarke gently pulled off the sneakers from Raven’s feet one at a time. The covers were underneath her and the blonde tried to figure out a way to pull them up and over her, without waking the girl. 

She slowly slipped it out from under her feet and gauged her reaction before pulling it over the length of Raven’s sleeping body. Once she was covered with the blanket, Clarke took one last glance at her before switching off the lamp. 

The bed sheets rustled behind her and Clarke silenced her footsteps, walking back towards the front door. She did what she said she would and saw to it that Raven got home safe and sound, and a part of her was relieved. 

Clarke stood in the doorway with her hand around the doorknob and threw one last look over her shoulder and murmured, “Goodnight Raven.” 

She stepped outside the room and was about to close the door when she heard a muffled response.                                                

“Night Clarke.”

 

\----

 

The time on her watch- no- _his_ , read 11:32pm. The faded beige leather of the strap still smelled like it did when he used to wear it and it was in immaculate condition, save for a crack down on the dial. Clarke pushed down the lump in her throat and took a steady breath. She looked to the floor and smiled nostalgically.

 

_Dad would’ve laughed at how lame I’m being._

Her heart constricted when she imagined what her father would’ve said to her.

 

_“You got my striking good looks and your mother’s eyes, she’d be a damn fool to pass that up.”_

 

A wistful look in her eyes replaced melancholy and Clarke quickly blinked away the tears that she felt build in the corners. It had been three years but every time the image of his cheerful unshaven face and bright eyes slipped into her thoughts, a weight pressed down on her. 

The colour in her life got drained out and all that was left was a gray scale carbon copy. Her days dragged on longer and she couldn’t get past the feeling of a dark cloud that hovered over her entire being everywhere she went. If she was being honest with herself, it never really went away, she just learned to cope.  

She focused her tired eyes on the path she walked along and kept her head down, it was pretty late to be going anywhere. The campus was relatively safe but she couldn’t help but feel anxious late at night. Clarke’s pace slowed as she made her way farther down campus walk, her nerves making themselves more apparent. Her heart rate picked up albeit the calming thoughts she recited to herself like a prayer. 

After dropping Raven off (literally), Clarke figured she’d kill two birds with one stone and grabbed some take out for later. Her stomach growled while she ordered and it hadn’t stopped since she started walking towards Lexa’s building. 

She focused on the tantalizing aroma coming from the bag she held and tried distracting herself from her accompanying anxiety. Her hands were getting clammy around the handle of the bag and Clarke knew it wasn't just from the steam.

 

_Breathe._

 

There wasn’t exactly a script that Clarke was planning to follow, because well, their interactions up till now were a result of pure spontaneity. She was going to dive into whatever was going to happen headfirst and be unapologetically honest or at least _try._  

Lexa’s building was a decently far distance from her own and was slightly off campus, but it wasn’t hard to find. She was able to spot the sign that read _Clarence Residence_ in bold text, just before coming into view of the brick built structure. 

The area surrounding the tall building was surrounded by freshly cut grass, the next closest residence being about a two-minute walk away. Her feet moved towards what looked like a ten-story building and her heart rate increased. 

Clarke didn’t have any clear indication of where Lexa was going to wait so she scanned the open area with a keen stare. Her heart hammered inside her ribcage when she caught sight of a figure sitting alone on a picnic bench right beside the entrance doors. 

The familiar blue plaid long sleeve shirt was enough to get her lips dry and her balance embarrassingly shaky. Her back faced towards Clarke, shoulders hunched over. Brown waves fell loosely down her back and she swallowed nervously when she remembered how it felt having her fingers tangled in them. She took a deep breath through her nose and exhaled slowly. 

Lexa was holding a cigarette in one hand and also what Clarke presumed was her phone in the other. The brunette brought the yellow filter to her lips briefly before exhaling smoothly, a cloud of smoke rising and slowly evaporating in the air. 

She walked closer to the still figure and Lexa’s back remained unturned as the blonde took cautious steps towards her. Clarke was able to mask her arrival right up until the front of her foot scuffed the concrete, causing her to stumble forward in the least graceful of manners. The bag of food rustled noisily in her hands when she stumbled. She managed to catch her footing quickly, but not before she swore under her breath. 

She stopped and stared down at her feet with a twinge of red on her cheeks, before carefully before bringing her gaze back up.

 

_I really need to work on my tact._

 

Clarke tilted her head up to see Lexa turned around facing her, staring back with one side of her mouth curved upwards. 

“You aren’t very nimble,” she commented after a beat. The hint of a smile rested on her features and Clarke felt her nerves dissipate slightly. Lexa held her stare and took a long drag, moving her head to the side to blow the smoke in the other direction. 

Heat crawled up her neck and she let out a nervous laugh, “I won’t even bother trying to defend myself there.”  

 

 _It’s not my fault my brain can’t function properly around you_ , she wanted to say.

 

Lexa turned so that she was sitting with her back to the bench, leaning her forearms on the bench so that they rested at her sides. Clarke didn’t stop herself from letting her gaze wander down to her chest where it was unbuttoned, enough to see a _lot_ of skin. Realizing she was staring at her chest like a prepubescent boy, the blonde moved her eyes away timidly. 

Clarke couldn’t help but look back at her again and appreciate how put together Lexa looked, it was as if not a single thing was out of place. Her face remained neutral, her gaze even, with her usual impeccable posture. She wasn’t sure if she was envious of Lexa or if her infatuation hindered her from forming coherent thoughts. 

There was a period of quietness that settled and both of them avoided each other’s gaze, pretending everything around them was all the more interesting to look at. 

Clarke felt anxious and she moved her hands behind her back, struggling to put them to use. The bag of styrofoam take-out containers squeaked against each other when she moved it against her legs. 

Lexa was the first to break the silence. “Do you-” 

Her eyes snapped to Lexa’s and widened, her lips making an O. “Yes, yeah! Sorry.” She sputtered and internally cringed at the sound of her insecure voice. 

The girl gave her a curt nod and Clarke watched ash smudge against the wood as Lexa put out the cigarette on the surface of the bench. She got up and tossed the filter in the grass with a flick of her index finger. 

The distance between them didn’t really strike Clarke but she was close enough to smell the smoke from Lexa as she approached her. Her hands were dug into the front pocket of her jeans, eyes glued to the ground. 

“Good thing I saw it, you could’ve been homeless.” Clarke paused, moving her eyes to the side in thought. “Room-less? Either way it would’ve sucked,” she offered with a nervous laugh. 

She used her free hand to slip the plastic card from out of her back pocket and glanced at it, softening her eyes. Her eyes moved from the keycard to Lexa, who had gotten a lot closer than she was just a few seconds ago. 

Clarke was close enough to her to really _see_ Lexa and it was a miracle she managed to stay relatively composed. She took notice of the freckles that were lightly peppered along the arches of her cheekbones. They reminded Clarke of her favourite constellations and she enjoyed the wave of reverence that washed over her. 

A sheepish smile spread across her face and she stretched her hand out, offering it out to Lexa. Her face reciprocated little to no expression but Clarke saw warmth behind her green eyes and she felt herself relax. 

“Thank you, Clarke.” A hand reached out and took it gently from Clarke’s grasp. “You saved me,” she mumbled quickly and locked her eyes with the blonde’s. 

A simple lighthearted comment, but instead of brushing it off, Clarke’s heart swelled in her chest when she heard the remark. There was nothing overtly significant about what Lexa said, but something inside Clarke made her question it regardless. 

“It was nothing really." The way Lexa’s eyes burned into hers made her pulse gradually speed up again. “All in a days work,” she swallowed thickly and blinked away. 

Lexa fidgeted with the card and Clarke found herself admiring the rose etched onto skin, long slender fingers tracing the edges of the plastic. Ever since she first saw it, she couldn’t explain how the simplicity drew her in so strongly. She also couldn’t understand why her chest constricted whenever Lexa rubbed her thumb over the shaded skin so tenderly. 

Clarke looked to Lexa and noticed the way her eyes flickered down to where she was holding the plastic bag and then back up. She hid the shy smile that started to creep onto her lips. 

“I brought take-out from Cynthia’s. I didn’t get around to dinner so I brought enough for two,” the blonde tried to conceal the hope in her voice. 

The look on Lexa’s face was not what Clarke wanted to see or expected. Her face remained blank and she started to panic. She needed to try a little harder, convincing herself the extra effort was entirely worth it. 

“Think of it as a peace offering,” she tried. “Not to make you feel bad, but if you don’t help me eat all of this, I’m going to end up eating all of it and probably end up in a food induced coma.” 

The brunettes face softened and her eyes gleamed under the light of the lamppost. A quiet laugh escaped her mouth and Clarke saw Lexa shaking her head, trying to mask a growing smile. 

“What a tragedy,” Lexa deadpanned with an amused tone. Her face looked visibly relaxed and the genuine contentment helped Clarke’s nerves become a lot less present.

 

_Definitely worth it._

 

The blonde grinned and took a step back, gauging Lexa’s reaction with a renewed interest and a glint in her eye. “I’ll be lying unconscious somewhere and be the next victim on the food chain,” she said with mock seriousness. 

“You’re lame,” Lexa replied. There was no edge in her voice, but instead she spoke with a lighthearted quality. 

Clarke brought her hand to her chest, feigning a look of disbelief, “You didn’t know?” 

The brunette just shook her head and bit her lip, looking the other way. 

Clarke got distracted by the fullness of her lips and was thrown off when her eyes moved across her face and down to her jawline. She’s pretty damn sure she’s seen marble statues with less impressive facial structures. 

“As much as I’m enjoying you make a fool out of yourself, I actually haven’t eaten all day.” Green eyes met blue and she spoke again, “And it smells really good Clarke.” 

The mild insult shot at her went right over her head; she was too grossly rapt by the way Lexa said her name. She says it like a goddamn _prayer_ and Clarke’s not even religious, but the slight click of her tongue makes her think twice. 

Clarke thinks she could get used to the sound of Lexa rolling her name off of her tongue. It didn’t at all feel appropriate to be turned on by the sound of your own name, yet here she was. 

“Will you join me?” She asked gently. 

“I should be asking you that,” Lexa countered lightly. “Come on.” She met Lexa’s eyes and caught her staring. 

Clarke was looking at Lexa’s dilated pupils and her heart lurched when she caught the short, but noticeable glance to her lips before blinking away. 

The blonde recovered from her momentary internal meltdown and grinned at Lexa’s figure walking towards the entrance of the building. 

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Clarke said under her breath. 

The grey tight fitted faded jeans Lexa wore complimented her in all the right places and curves, not that Clarke was staring at her ass though. Well, maybe she was, but that wasn't really the point. 

Clarke was checking her out with a completely platonic admiration, _obviously_. For a split second Clarke actually considered the idea of squatting but if she wasn’t looking at a prime example of dedication, she would’ve laughed at herself. 

The distinct line between appreciation and arousal was starting to blur and- 

Lexa’s voice sounded far away as she spoke, “Are you coming?” 

She felt her face warm up, thinking she got caught staring and didn't notice the delay in her response, “I thought we would just eat out here, it’s a nice night,” she responded, her feet following suit. 

Lexa was a couple of feet away and she stopped to turn her head over her shoulder. “I’ve been outside since… earlier,” she stopped herself short and cleared her throat awkwardly. 

She didn’t forget. And that’s what mattered, really. 

“Where were you going then?” Clarke asked, confused. 

She caught up to Lexa as she reached the double doors. She watched as Lexa slid her keycard into the sensor, a green light flashed before the door unlocked. 

“My room. Where else?” Lexa replied as if it were obvious. She opened the door and held it open with her foot, with an expectant raise of her brows. 

Clarke was totally fine and not overreacting or anything. Her palms didn’t sweat around the handle of the door, no way. And she definitely didn’t feel her heart rate speed up when she accidentally grazed Lexa’s hand on the way in. 

In an effort to brush off the obvious answer, Clarke forced a chuckle. “If you’re a serial killer I’m going to develop serious trust issues. You’d tell me wouldn’t you?” 

They were walking through the lobby, standing by the elevators. Clarke was waiting for Lexa to answer, the small talk was easy and she was thankful. 

When she spared the brunette a glance, Lexa had a straight face. She should get used to her neutral facial expressions, it really wasn’t surprising at this point. It’s just how Lexa was. 

“Maybe, but only after we have eaten. Murder is an exhausting task on an empty stomach.” She said flatly. 

Her eyes grew large and Clarke felt the corners of her mouth twitch and she looked away. “That doesn't make me feel any better but thanks for trying.” 

The elevator doors opened and Clarke waited to let Lexa walk in first. When neither of them moved, they looked at each other with different expressions. 

Lexa sighed and and gave a playful roll of her eyes. “Are you going to go in or what?” 

She couldn’t see her own face but if she could, Clarke would mentally chastise herself for the pinkness on her cheeks. 

“Sorry,” she mumbled and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, keeping her eyes down. 

Clarke walked inside and leaned on the bar behind her. Her arms gripped it as she watched Lexa trail in behind her. The brunette pushed a button and the third floor button lit up, the pair stood in silence as the doors closed. 

“Where’s the awkward elevator music when you need it?” Clarke let out a nervous laugh; her palms were sweating around the bar she held onto. 

All she heard was Lexa laughing quietly through her nose and the innocence of it all made Clarke’s chest tighten. Although it was hard to hear and easy to miss, she felt warmth settle in her chest. 

She decided that _this_ side of Lexa is who she really was underneath her callous and apathetic exterior. It almost reminded Clarke of her father and it made her eyes burn. 

There was something about Lexa’s presence that felt genuine and safe; it was almost as satisfying as having her dad’s arms around her. _Almost_. 

When she made the connection, it left her chest hollow and her mind astray. 

But that aside, she was trying and it was honestly the only thing that she cared about. Lexa didn’t owe her anything, not a single thing. Clarke just happened to be in the right place at the right time… on several occasions. She found it difficult trying to convince herself that everything leading up to this had been purely coincidental. Only it really wasn’t, at least that’s the idea that Clarke refuses to give up on. 

There was a lapse in time and Clarke didn’t realize they reached the third floor until she law Lexa standing outside in the hallway, holding open the elevator doors with narrowed eyes. 

“Not to be rude, but are you always this spaced out Clarke?” She asked pointedly. 

Blinking fast, the blonde stepped out wearing a bashful look on her face. Clarke brushed past Lexa and walked backwards, meeting her green eyes. 

There was an opening and she took it, “only when I’m around pretty girls.” She shrugged her shoulders before turning around. 

If she were looking at Lexa, which she immediately regretted not doing, Clarke would’ve seen Lexa blushing furiously. 

While Clarke had her back towards her sauntering forward with a smirk on her face, she heard Lexa clear her throat. 

“My room is down here,” Lexa spoke from behind after a few lingering moments. 

She really didn’t think that through but then again Lexa already pointed out how out of it Clarke was anyway. 

She also conveniently skipped mentioning the part where her brain seemed to short circuit whenever Lexa was too close to her.

 

_That’s not important._

Her chin tilted to the ceiling and she exhaled a long breath. “I was just taking a look around,” Clarke lied and turned back around. 

She saw Lexa with her hands dug into her jean pockets, with her eyebrows raised. The look on her face was hard to read but her eyes stayed soft. 

“You’re pretty odd,” Lexa said fondly and the words made Clarke’s heart jump. 

Once Clarke got closer, the brunette continued her slow walk down the narrow hallway with Clarke not too far behind.

“You were totally waiting to use that, weren’t you?” Clarke replied accusingly. 

Lexa moved her head to the side to see Clarke directly beside her and her eyes darted away when she made eye contact. 

“Use what? Did I miss something?” She countered with a bemused expression. 

“Panic at the Disco’s second album and the only decent one worth mentioning?” 

Lexa’s eyes narrowed and confusion spread across her face. “Panic at the _what?”_

Her hand went down to reach into her back pocket and it grazed Clarke’s. “And please don’t answer that with another question.” 

Clarke responded with a scoff, “You don’t know Panic at the Disco.” It wasn’t posed as a question but Lexa shot her a glare anyway. 

The taller girl slowed her steps and stopped in front of a door, the gold plaque read 3204. With a swift swipe of her keycard, Clarke heard the door click from inside.

“Sounds like another hipster band I would much rather forget existed,” Lexa said with a neutral tone and pushed open the door, walking inside and holding it open. 

She was about to snap back with another sarcastic remark but instead Clarke remained silent as she took slow steps through the doorway. Lexa closed the door behind her and she slipped her shoes off quickly before walking into the room. 

The first thing she noticed immediately was the smell of what she could’ve sworn was lavender and fresh laundry. Fucking _lavender_. She took a deep and lasting breath, enjoying the comfort it brought to her tense muscles. There was something about it that got Clarke’s heart racing and spurred a heat in her stomach. 

She didn’t look down at her feet as she used one hand to pull off her sneakers and held the take-out bag in the other. She was too busy looking at the walls lined with everything from posters of female-fronted bands, forest landscapes to artwork and a striking red-sheathed katana hung right above her headboard. There was so much to look at; Clarke didn’t know where to begin. 

“Here, let me.” Lexa appeared in front of Clarke, startling her. 

She felt her breath on her cheeks and Clarke gave her a tilted smile before handing over the plastic bag. With her shoes off, she felt a shyness creep onto her, pushing nervous hands into her back pockets, rocking on her feet. 

Clarke glanced at Lexa, where she had begun unpacking the food on her desk. 

“I love what you’ve done with the place,” she commented quietly before returning her wandering inquisitive gaze. 

There was hardly any wall space and wherever her eyes moved, there would always be something to look at. 

“I’m going to be living here for the next four years, it may as well be comfortable,” Lexa replied shortly. 

Clarke hummed in response and continued to indulge her eyes’ natural curiosity. 

The more Clarke observed, the more she realized that there were almost no photographs anywhere. Everything in the room were either personal belongings, decorations or memorabilia. She wanted to ask why but didn’t want to press. 

Clarke’s eyes widened when she caught sight of an impressive, clearly polished, electric guitar sitting on a stand in the corner of her room. “You play guitar,” she stated plainly, intrigued. If she was being honest, it was probably the most unique one she’d ever come across. 

“I do.” Lexa followed Clarke’s line of sight and spoke, “It’s a limited edition Les Paul Classic Rock. Gibson only made one original and you’re looking at it.” 

Clarke looked over to Lexa with a peaked interest and a glint in her eye, “May I?” 

She blinked and replied with a nod, “of course.” Lexa was still in the process of sorting the food out, the sound of styrofoam cracking became louder. “Do you play?” 

After a long pause she replied, “I used to. My dad taught me, but I don’t- not anymore.” 

She tried to ignore the sting in her chest but an ache grew nonetheless and a familiar weight pushed down onto her shoulders. 

Clarke moved her feet towards the instrument and she felt her foot kick something hard after a couple of steps. Before continuing, Clarke looked down to see an empty bottle of liquor roll and clink underneath Lexa’s bed. As much as she wanted to say something, the words quickly died in her mouth. 

She could feel Lexa’s eyes on her but she kept her gaze forward, swallowing down the uneasiness. 

There was a sudden noticeable sound of springs creaking that overpowered the silence and repetitive bumping against the wall that startled Clarke in her place. She twisted her head around to side of the room where the sound came from and where Lexa had been standing.

Clarke used her eyes as a form of a silent question, the sides of her mouth twitching. Lexa responded with a sigh of annoyance. The same sound continued to vibrate the walls and Clarke flinched when Lexa abruptly brought her fist to slam the wall once with a loud bang. 

The sound must have taken Lexa’s neighbours by surprise because everything went silent again and Clarke could only hear the pounding in her chest. 

“The guy beside me has been going at it every fucking day this week with his girlfriend,” Lexa growled. “Straight couples are like goddamn rabbits.” Her voice was laced with an irritation that made Clarke’s mouth curl up slightly. 

Clarke didn’t know how to respond, instead she offered a tense chuckle and scratched the bottom of her neck anxiously. When Lexa quieted and went back to the take-out, Clarke rotated her head back around and stared back at the guitar. 

She swallowed and made sure the floor was clear of objects before walking to the instrument. The body of it looked brand new with a stunning black and white marble top finish. It was apparent that it was used quite a lot based on how worn the strings looked, but other than that it looked amazing. 

Rubbing her palms on her jeans to dry her hands of any excess sweat, she picked it up with the utmost of care. She held the neck of the guitar and looked it up and down with awe. 

“It’s incredible,” Clarke breathed. “You have great taste.” 

She couldn’t decide whether she was more intrigued by the guitar or the girl who owned it. Realizing the immaturity of her thoughts, Clarke brought her eyes to meet Lexa’s. As if she knew she was being watched, Lexa turned her head and offered a tight lipped smile.

All it took was one look at Lexa’s impossibly alluring jawline and her luminous chartreuse eyes reflecting back at her to return to her senses. 

Clarke couldn’t stop the surge of yearning that washed over her and she gave Lexa a small smile, ignoring the warm feeling swirling in her abdomen. 

“Come eat, Clarke.” Lexa said. She was holding a fork in one hand and a small container in the other, looking at the blonde with patient eyes. 

She saw the girl hesitate and spoke softly, setting the guitar back in its stand, “You go ahead, I wanted to look around some more.” Clarke’s face contorted into a look of apprehension, “If you don’t mind of course. I don’t want to be invasive or anything,” she rushed out. 

Lexa opened her container of food, the smell of General Tao enveloping the room. “I don’t mind,” she reassured Clarke and it lifted a weight off her shoulders. “But you make my room sound a lot more interesting than it really is,” Lexa continued, sitting cross-legged on her bed after forking a mouthful of chicken into her mouth. 

Clarke let her eyes roam past the walls and to the windowsill where an impressive amount of empty alcohol bottles lined the entire length of the ledge. Except it really wasn't impressive but instead a little more concerning, and it only made brought a familiar feeling of discomfort. 

“It has more… character than the one I share with my roommate.” 

Lexa finished chewing her food before speaking up, “you have a roommate.” 

Clarke wrung her fingers behind her back and stood in front of a watercolour painting of a tiger, getting lost in the way the colours melted together. “Yeah, her name’s Octavia. She's a pain in my ass but she's really sweet.” Clarke couldn't help the fond look that spread across her features at mentioning her roommate.

A quiet hum came from where Lexa sat, she didn’t know whether it was a reply or if she was just enjoying the food. 

“Which reminds me,” Clarke added. “I never asked you the most basic and stereotypical college question.” She turned around to face Lexa and caught her staring with a mouthful of food. The brunette shifted her gaze quickly before swallowing, pausing her movements. 

“And what’s that?” 

“What are you here for?” Clarke elaborated. 

Lexa visibly shrank under her stare and reluctantly met her gaze with a passive expression. “Music. I’m technically in first year but for some reason they thought I was good enough to jump a year ahead.” She went on to say quietly, something in her tone made her sound incredulous of her own words. 

“So you’re good,” Clarke implied gently. 

With a locked jaw and her eyes set, Lexa answered back short and succinctly, “I’m okay.” 

She wanted to scoff at Lexa’s modesty because Penn State’s music program was not something you could just get into by just being _okay_. 

Wells Jaha, her best friend that she grew up in Arizona with, had planned their detailed transition into adulthood since they were young. Clarke pushed back the vivid memory of him telling her that he would follow her anywhere because “that’s what friends do”. Only it didn’t work out as planned, like at all, because he screwed up in two of his classes right before graduation and all those plans crashed and burned. 

“You’re more than okay Lexa, give yourself some credit,” Clarke tried with a shrug. “I mean I haven’t heard you play, but I’m sure you’re great.” 

Lexa stiffened at that and she glared back with a colder than usual stare. “Assumptions can be very misleading, Clarke.” 

The silence in the room was deafening and Clarke bit her lip as she thought of what to say next in effort to cut the tension. She slid herself down the wall opposite to where the brunette sat and brought her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. Lexa remained wordless and ate in silence, her sculpted jaw tensing with each chew. 

“Would you play for me?” Clarke broke the silence, her voice quiet and unsure. 

Lexa’s neutral expression didn’t change as she closed the empty container in her hands, throwing it in the trash between the desk and her bed. She licked her lips and when she caught Clarke staring, the blonde felt a familiar heat creep on her cheeks. 

“It’s late Clarke, everyone is asleep,” she replied and it sounded a lot harsher than she intended because after a beat she softened her tone, “maybe next time.” Lexa’s features relaxed and she wore lazy tight-lipped look of contentment. 

There it was. It was enough and so much more. More than enough actually. Clarke’s heart swelled and she felt the constriction in her chest ease, replaced with an airy flutter.

A promise that there would be a next time gave Clarke butterflies in her midsection and she had to clench her jaw tight to stop the smile she felt growing. The thought alone made her heart beat erratically and to hear it from Lexa herself made her palms moist. 

“Next time,” she echoed with a pull in her chest. 

Clarke keeps trying to fool herself over and over again with her seemingly endless growth of feelings but the conclusion was always the same. Lexa Grey completely enamoured her and scared the living shit out of her, all at once. 

She was stuck in her thoughts when she saw a shadow looming over her. Tilting her head up slightly, she saw Lexa offering her a take-out container paired with a plastic fork. 

“Please, I had my share.” Her voice carried itself soothingly towards Clarke. 

The small distance between them and the smell of laundry from Lexa’s clothes made her breath hitch and the blonde struggle for words. Taking it from her hands, she opted for returning a small smile and a simple, “thanks, Lexa.” 

Lexa started to retreat back to the comfort of her bed sheets before slowing her steps midway and threw a look over her shoulder. “No, thank _you_ Clarke.” 

A jarring ache pulsed deep within her ribcage and she felt a wave of affection spread through her.

They sat in a tension-free silence; the company of one another seemed to suffice. Lexa’s body language indicated ease and comfort in the way her shoulders relaxed and her breathing came in slow and steady breaths. 

She was shovelling chow mein in her mouth with eagerness and hummed lowly in satisfaction. Meanwhile, Lexa laid down over her covers looking down at her phone with her head resting on the pillow. 

Clarke convinced herself that the heat building near the pit of her abdomen was just her body’s way of thanking her for the nourishment and _definitely_ not the way Lexa looked at her when she thought she wasn’t looking. 

As she was about to about to put another forkful of food between her lips, Lexa called out to Clarke casually.. 

Putting her fork down, Clarke looked up to see Lexa shifting her head on the pillow to meet her eyes. With a slight furrow in her brow and a curious look in her eyes she asked, “why did you stop playing guitar?” 

The weight of a simple question hit Clarke like a truck and she couldn’t stop the wave of suppressed sorrow seep into her. She set her jaw straight and blinked a few times to prevent the tears that pricked the corners of her eyes. 

“It was too hard,” she croaked out and Clarke hoped she didn’t vocalize the wave of emptiness that washed over her. 

Lexa didn’t seem to notice the change in the blonde’s tone because she blew a puff through her nose before replying. “Nothing is easy Clarke, it just takes patience.” 

The appetite she had built up until now had dissipated and she felt her stomach turn. She dropped the fork into the container of leftover noodles and set it aside. She wrapped her arms around her knees and tightened her hold. 

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Clarke replied defensively. “The only time I ever played was with my dad, but… he’s not here anymore so I stopped.” 

She trained her eyes to the bottom of the bed where she stared at empty beer cans and clothes strewn around. Her jaw was clenched shut and she gritted her teeth uncomfortably. 

Lexa must have felt the shift in the air and pushed herself up to her forearms. Though she tried to hide the somber expression she had, Lexa spared Clarke an inquisitive stare before sitting upright and leaned her back on the headboard. 

“It will be hard regardless,” Lexa said curtly. 

She felt the bitter taste of anger rise into her throat and she seethed behind half-lidded eyes and a locked jaw. Her hands balled into fists, knuckles white, as she dug blunt nails into her palms. 

“No Lexa, it’s hard because he’s fucking _dead_ ,” she blurted, maintaining eye contact. “I can’t get close to a guitar without seeing his face every time I close my eyes,” Clarke said evenly but weary. “So no, I don’t avoid playing because I’m incapable of teaching myself." She felt the anger leave her body as quickly as it washed over her, blinking away the tears behind her eyes.

Lexa’s face fell, her lips parting in a feeble attempt to mask the regret of her previous words. Clarke could see her jaw clench and her body stiffen; she held her phone in her lap and stared at it emphatically. 

“I-I didn’t-“ Lexa began to say but she stopped herself. She locked her gaze and released a quiet breath, “I’m sorry Clarke, that was... very insensitive of me.” 

“It’s fine, you didn’t know.” Clarke mumbled and avoided a prolonged stare with Lexa. 

She kept looking at anything that wasn’t Lexa’s earnest green eyes, the fear of falling into her stare would make her break. Clarke thought she would have grown used to the remorseful stares after so many years. 

It took one glance for Clarke’s defences surrounding her to crumble. Lexa was looking at her with understanding and something else behind her eyes that made the throb in her chest alleviate slightly. 

Before Lexa had a chance, Clarke already let the words fall from her mouth. “He was at red light when a drunk driver drove right into the drivers side,” she learned to not let her voice waver whenever she told somebody. "It was quick." 

Clarke caught her gaze and saw Lexa move her eyes down, offering a nod of her head. 

“My parent’s are dead to me,” Lexa said quietly after a brief silence. 

She knew Lexa wasn’t trying to use her own personal life struggles as a way to undermine the grief Clarke felt, so she stayed silent in an effort to let her unwanted thoughts dissolve. 

Pale green eyes, no longer as effervescent as she remembered from earlier, cautiously brought her gaze to meet Clarke’s. “And I am dead to them. I am not their daughter,” she clenched her jaw. “I’m just a monthly expense,” Lexa growled. 

Clarke stayed quiet and felt the air in the room get heavy and harder to breathe in. 

“I grew up under their roof but I’ve been by myself ever since I broke out of the mold they were trying to sculpt me into,” Lexa laughed bitterly and moved her eyes to the ceiling. “You want to hear something funny?” Her gaze returned to Clarke’s and the blonde felt a twist in her gut at the way Lexa’s eyes darkened. 

There was nothing funny about the way Lexa spoke with harshness laced in her words. She felt her face go warm and Clarke started to get nervous under Lexa’s scrutinizing gaze. 

“They don’t even know when my _birthday_ is. Every year they give me an envelope of cash two weeks before the day of my actual birthday.” Her voice sounded broken this time and Clarke felt her heart seize. “You’d think being an only child means you get all the attention.” A scoff and then a beat, “Guess I wasn’t so lucky.” 

Clarke’s heart broke at the way Lexa’s voice cracked. Her face remained disturbingly disaffected even with the weight of her words hanging in the air, but it was her glassy eyes that gave her away. 

“They don’t deserve you,” she replied lightly. Looking up to meet Lexa’s glazed eyes, she felt a tug in her chest at the way her eyebrows raised ever so slightly. “But I’m thankful for at least one thing came out of their selfishness.” 

Lexa’s eyes narrowed and Clarke saw her quirk an eyebrow, “Oh? Please enlighten me then,” her voice dripped with bitter sarcasm. 

She ignored the way Lexa’s eyes looked at her scornfully and challenged her with a shy smile, curving her lips upward. “If it weren’t for them I wouldn’t be sitting here with you right now.” 

Appraising the girl’s reaction, she felt her heart expand at the way Lexa ducked her head, trying to hide the way the corners of her lips twitched. 

Clarke exhaled and moved her legs out in front of her and extended her arms above her head in a stretch. “But other than that, they can go fuck themselves.” 

Lexa’s met her eyes gave her a tight-lipped smile and exhaled tiredly. 

They sat like that for a while, in a welcomed silence, exchanging glances whenever the other wasn't looking.

After some time, Lexa checked her phone and Clarke watched the brunette’s eyes widen at the screen. 

“It’s almost after 1. Don’t you have an early class tomorrow?” Lexa asked.

 

 _She remembered_?

 

Clarke twisted her wrist and checked her watch, “shit, yeah I do.” She pushed herself off the floor with her hands and slid her back up the wall. “I should go.” 

The timid voice that came from Lexa was just loud enough for Clarke to hear, “why don’t you just stay the night?” The quick and blunt reply had the blonde just as surprised as Lexa, who realized what she said after the words hung in the air.  

The blonde froze, pausing her steps towards the door when Lexa went on, “I mean, it makes sense.” Her voice sounded casual but pleading at the same time, “It’s pretty late to be walking anywhere.”

 

_Does she sound nervous?_

“Are you sure?” Clarke asked, unsure. “I really don’t mind walking, my place isn’t that far from here.” She ignored the irrational part of her brain that just told her to shut up and say yes. 

“You can take my bed, I can sleep on the floor.” The brunette said as she unfolded her legs and smoothed the sheets before getting up. 

Clarke turned her body to face her and stuck her hand out, waving it in Lexa’s direction, “No way, I’m not kicking you out of your own bed. I’ll take the floor, don’t worry about it,” she pressed. “I’ve slept on worse.” 

She wasn’t sure if it was the dim lighting of the room or if Lexa’s cheeks turned a shade of pink when she glanced to the double bed and then back to Clarke. 

“Or... we could both just take the bed,” Lexa drawled, wringing her fingers together. “I really don’t take up too much space.” 

Her own cheeks grew warm realizing what that entailed and she felt like she just scored the best deal possible. It would take a lot of self-restraint on her part being so close to Lexa in a narrow space, but she decided it would be better than a flat surface. 

“Okay, yeah sure,” a yawn escaping through her lips. “Thanks Lexa, I really appreciate it.” 

“No problem.” She was given a small smile in return and then a grimace, “I-um, you should know one thing though.” She paused. “I don’t sleep with much on.” 

Clarke’s face flushed and she tried _really_ hard not to imagine what it would be like feeling the smoothness of bare skin on hers. 

“That’s cool,” She breathed. “Your room, your rules.” Clarke’s smirk fell when she became painfully aware of the tug in her abdomen. 

Lexa started unbuttoning the front of her shirt slowly, communicating silently to Clarke with her eyes. 

“Right!” She spun around and tried to control her irregular heart rate, staring at the ceiling. 

 

_God- or whoever lives up there, give me strength to make it through the night._

She heard the muffled sound of clothes shuffling and footsteps on the floor. 

“I’ll sleep on the side closest to the wall.” She was fairly certain she heard a smile in Lexa’s voice. 

“Y-yeah whatever’s easiest.” Clarke replied, keeping her eyes trained in one direction. 

The sheets rustled and there was a creak that came from what Clarke assumed was the mattress. “I'm done,” Lexa said with a small voice. 

Kicking her shoes off by the door, Clarke turned around and saw Lexa under the covers, her body pressed towards the wall beside her. She saw her bare arm’s clutching the cover to her body and she shuddered without realizing it. 

“Don’t forget to turn the lamp off.” Lexa reminded gently. 

Clarke sat down and then slid her clothed body under the sheets, covering herself with the blanket. She moved her feet and only then realized how tiny the space really was shared between the two of them. Her cold foot touched Lexa’s warm foot and she moved it away quickly with the contact. 

“Sorry.” Clarke mumbled. 

“S’okay,” came Lexa’s stifled response. 

She turned herself around and faced her back towards Lexa, reaching to switch the lamp when something caught her eye on the nightstand. 

“Romeo and Juliet,” she smiled lazily. “I wouldn’t have thought you were the type to read Shakespeare in your free time,” whispered Clarke with a smile grazing her lips. She switched off the lamp and she felt the burn of fatigue behind her eyelids. 

Darkness blanketed the room and her eyes quickly adjusted.  She felt the weight behind her back shift further away and Clarke moved closer to the edge of the bed. The last thing she wanted to do was make Lexa feel uncomfortable in any way, she was kind enough to share a bed with a complete stranger. No, that didn’t sound right to her. A friend? Maybe. 

Lexa yawned and murmured loud enough for Clarke to hear, “Parting is such sweet sorrow that I shall say goodnight, till it be ‘morrow.” She exhaled quietly and gripped the sheets closer to her. 

Clarke was thankful for the blackness that enveloped the room. It was reassuring to know that Lexa couldn’t see her face because the stupid grin on her face was so wide it made her cheeks hurt. 

She heard nothing but the sound of Lexa’s slow breathing on the other side of her as well as her own pulse throbbing loudly in her ears. She brought a fistful of the sheets to her face and inhaled deeply. 

The smell of Lexa heightened her senses and brought Clarke a sense of security that she hadn’t felt in years. 

It was like she was burning, every surface of her body felt like it was on fire. She felt like she was being consumed and it was arguably the best thing she had ever felt. Nothing in her life up until this point made her feel as real as she did in this very moment. 

She felt her hot breath cascade on the pillowcase as she whispered a familiar quote, “Love sought is good, but love given unsought is better.” 

Her quiet words hung in the stillness of the room and Clarke assumed Lexa was already asleep because of the lack of movement and her steady breaths. 

Finally shutting her weary eyes, she whispered a final, “Sleep well Lexa.” 

Clarke must’ve been too exhausted to realize that Lexa was in fact awake the whole time and heard everything. She also missed the lazy smile Lexa had on right until her mind faded into unconsciousness. 

They wouldn’t remember the last vivid image they had in their mind before falling asleep.

Lexa saw crystal blue waves of the Atlantic and Clarke saw every shade of green imaginable in the Amazon.

 

\----

 

The first two things Clarke noticed when she slowly drifted back into consciousness was A) the sunlight was directly on her face and was inconveniently burning right through her eyelids and B) there was warm air being puffed into her face every few seconds. 

Clarke kept her eyes shut but her breath hitched when she felt a tickling graze on her exposed skin. Her mind cleared a little right before her soundless heartbeat kick-started abruptly when she realized the weight of a hand on the curve of her hip. It was definitely not her own.

She stayed motionless and struggled for air, trying to keep her breaths as quiet as possible. Her fingers twitched anxiously and her heart palpitated when she felt firmness underneath her palm.

 

_Oh god._

She knew what was about to happen if she opened her eyes, but she kept herself still as she savoured innocent touches and the comfort of embrace. 

It was too early to be awake and Clarke’s body screamed to stay where she was, but the harsh reality of responsibility sunk onto her like a deadweight. She needed to get out before she made herself too comfortable. But it was too late either way. 

Her eyes started to flutter open on their own accord and the first thing Clarke saw was Lexa’s sleeping face a foot away from hers, blowing out steady breaths through parted lips. She looked so serene and Clarke _really_ wished it were Saturday morning. 

Her features were relaxed; the usual tension in her cold and vacant expression was now replaced with a peaceful fragility. Clarke’s chest constricted at the softness of her features and she felt an obvious and understandable ache where it bothered her the most. 

When she saw how far Lexa moved away from the wall she practically clung to last night, it made her stomach drop. The close proximity made her abdomen curl into itself, her face felt flushed and the tips of her ears burned hot. 

She began to retract her fingers one at a time from where it lay on Lexa’s upper thigh and her stomach coiled inwards with each loss of contact. Thankfully her legs weren’t wrapped around Lexa’s, otherwise trying to move them away would have definitely stirred her awake. 

Her hand was in the air as she considered her situation and bit her lip in concern at Lexa’s hand that rested on her jutted hipbone. Gauging her reaction, Clarke slowly slid out one foot out from under the sheets and then the other off the bed. She was then able to move her lower body just enough so that Lexa’s hand slid softly onto the mattress. 

Clarke managed to move off the bed deftly and onto the carpeted floor without too much trouble. She hoped her movements didn’t stir Lexa and she pushed herself off the floor to a standing position. 

She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and yawned quietly as she watched the subtle rise and fall of Lexa’s chest. Her tattooed hand clutched the comforter just below her chest, leaving the skin below her collarbone visible.

Clarke’s eyes wandered down and memorized every slope of her body and drank in everything about her, appreciating the smoothness of bare skin. She moved her eyes further down her motionless figure and had to catch her breath. Lexa’s long and toned leg stuck out from under the comforter, her face heated up, accompanied by a persistent ache in her gut.

 

_You're really not making this any easier for me._

 

There was something so compelling about watching her sleep. Lexa’s lean body curved inwards and her legs were splayed underneath the covers; one hand under her pillow and one outstretched across the space Clarke vacated. 

Lexa hadn’t moved an inch but it was a lot more obvious how much her body had made its way past the initial invisible boundary they created initially. It was the innocent act of watching Lexa sleep soundly that blindsided Clarke with a rush of affection. 

Her drawing hand trembled at the longing she had to be able to capture Lexa’s sleeping form on paper. The uncertainty of whether or not she would ever get to see Lexa so vulnerable and exposed again pressed down on her chest. 

She grabbed her phone from the nightstand and was looking for the camera app before her mind actually processed the thought. She brought it up higher and turned it horizontally before snapping a shot of the length of the bed. 

Her eyes bulged and she closed them, shaking her head at her impulsiveness, before checking to see the image. There was something really wrong, unethical, or probably both about what she just did. 

But there was honestly hardly any inappropriate nudity and Lexa was pretty much covered up. Her finger hovered above the delete button before she gave up and slid it into her pocket. 

After indulging her eyes for a lot longer than necessary, Clarke tore her gaze away and silenced her footsteps as she put her shoes on. With one hand on the door handle, she threw a lasting glance over her shoulder and engraved the image to memory.

 

 _Don’t get attached_ , she repeated it to herself like a mantra.

 

The door quietly clicked behind her and she released a long breath, letting her lungs expand and contract more freely. Clarke rested her forehead on the wooden door, letting her eyes slide shut as she took a breath of the rough texture underneath.

 

_Don’t even think about it._

 

“Fuck.” Her hushed voice came out harsh and she clenched her jaw. 

She already missed the feeling of having someone so close to her; the gratification that intimacy brought was something she craved for too long. Clarke couldn’t even remember the last time she slept anywhere else but in an empty bed. She thought of returning to the cold sheets and loneliness of her own bed and her heart sunk. 

The sound of a door shutting loudly made her eyes snap open and Clarke peeled herself off the wooden surface. The sound came from the same room that Lexa mentioned had been really “busy” lately and naturally Clarke’s curiosity got the best of her. 

She turned her body, about to start walking towards the elevators when she caught sight of someone rifling through their things. 

In front of the door where the sound came from, stood a girl with pin-straight black hair holding a pair of heels in one hand and a tote bag overflowing with clothes in the other. 

The girl had a short black dress on that looked way too small for her, the zipper on the back only done up halfway. Her disheveled hair was swept to one side and Clarke’s eyes narrowed in focus before they bulged. 

Before the girl turned her back to Clarke, she was able to see a small tattoo of a swallow right behind her ear that looked vaguely familiar. It was enough for her to recognize and she crossed her arms knowingly. 

Clarke huffed with disbelief and smirked impishly, “I never thought I’d catch you making the walk of shame with my own eyes, O. “ 

The girl stopped in her tracks instantly, slumped shoulders straightened instantly and her entire stature became stiff. 

“This is _not_ happening right now,” came the incredulous reply. 

Octavia turned around slowly and tried to mask her mortified expression with a roll of her eyes when she met Clarke’s stare. Her cheeks were tinged with pink and she bit her lip. 

Clarke couldn’t stop the choke of laughter that escaped from her mouth. “Someone’s been awfully busy,” she managed with a breath. “The walls are paper thin Octavia, I think the whole floor heard you.” 

Her roommate’s face turned amusingly red at the comment before her eyes narrowed at Clarke. “The better question is, why are _you_ here?” 

She had a valid point there but it didn’t make finding a reasonable excuse to use any easier. 

Octavia was looking at her with an expectant look; it was like she was waiting for her saving grace. Clarke needed to wipe the smirk off her face and quick. 

“Stayed up studying with a friend,” Clarke felt a weird feeling pulse in her stomach at verbalizing the term of endearment. “It was late and I was too tired to go anywhere.” 

“Somehow I don’t believe that,” Octavia countered and then her eyes grew large. “Please tell me we weren’t getting laid right beside each other.” 

Clarke scoffed with a little too much enthusiasm, “Relax, I haven’t done anything exciting all week _._ ” She replied coolly and felt her stomach tighten. “I haven’t been having _nearly_ as much fun as you have been.” 

Octavia’s face relaxed and the corner of her mouth lifted, “It has been pretty great.” She bit her bottom lip and gave Clarke a sly smile before lowering her voice, “And the sex is _mind blowing_.” 

The blonde’s eyes widened and she mocked deafness, covering her ears. “Listed under things I can definitely live without knowing. Please spare me the graphic details.” 

“But this is vital information you’re missing out on.” She said with a laugh. 

Clarke made sure Octavia saw the visible roll of her eyes as she walked past her, talking as she moved closer to the elevators. “I have class in half an hour.” 

She heard her roommate’s feet shuffling over the carpet and she pressed the elevator button. 

“Well I hope whoever you spent the night with was at least nice to look at.” Octavia quipped lightly. 

Her roommate’s straightforwardness didn’t always come across the way she wanted it to, but Clarke knew she meant well. Honesty is the best policy, after all. 

Clarke knew she had to tell someone sooner rather than later, her feelings were going to inevitably bubble on the surface. She didn’t want to let it get to a point of no return; she couldn’t take that risk, she wouldn’t. Maybe it would feel a little more real and a little less surreal if she finally said everything out loud. 

She waited till Octavia’s shorter body sidled up beside her before looking over with a serious look and speeding heartbeat. “What if I can’t stop looking?” Clarke whispered, trying to mask the fear in her voice. 

Octavia glanced at her roommate once and did a double take after observing the lingering stare. “Clarke…” she said with a tone of warning. “I haven’t even been gone a _week_.” 

“I don't know what I'm doing,” Clarke choked out and she felt her throat close up when she saw Octavia’s features soften at her. “And I’m so,” Her voice dropped to a low and croaky version of herself, “ _so_ fucked.”

 


End file.
